It's never over until the final whistle

Today we have three more tales for our times.

Today we have three more tales for our times.

Once upon a time, there was a very large veteran rugby player called Andy Chicklade who had often played for his country, and had even scored a few tries. He had featured in adverts. He had appeared on humorous TV sports quizzes. He had never, however, been made man of the match in any game he had played in, which his fellow players - all ex-man-of-the-matches - often teased him about.

"I don't care," he said. "Why should there be a man of the match at all? It's quite illogical to suppose there will be just one outstanding individual. Sometimes everyone plays poorly. Sometimes five or six people are outstanding. Sometimes a guy scores a brilliant try and plays rubbish for the rest of the game. It's a meaningless gimmick."

They all agreed privately, but continued to tease him. Then Andy Chicklade, who was already in his thirties, was picked for what was agreed to be his last international, and during the game he played out of his skin and even scored two more tries.

Five minutes before the end, the TV commentator asked his Welsh colleague who he had picked as the man of the match.

"Well, it's got to be Andy Chicklade," he said. "He's played a blinder."

But with two minutes to go, and his side only two points ahead, Chicklade was cruelly judged offside and gave away a kickable penalty. When he protested, the referee made as if to reach for a red card. Andy Chicklade lost his cool and laid the referee out with a right hook. When the ref recovered consciousness, he sent him off.

"Is he still your man of the match?", said the commentator. "Considering he committed the ultimate offence? And didn't even play the whole game?"

"Oh God, I don't know," said his colleague. "I really don't know!"

MORAL: It's not over until the fat man sins.

*

A schoolboy who was studying history for his A- levels was told by his history master he had not been working hard enough, and was set fair to fail.

"You must do more outside reading and research," the teacher told him. "Take a real interest in your subject. For instance, your essay on the mid-20th century activities of the Ku Klux Klan just repeated the stuff we had read in the basic text book. It showed no initiative."

Stung by this, the boy determined to show some enterprise, and looked up the KKK on the internet. To his surprise, several websites still seemed to be promoting the activities of the KKK, and he wrote to one of the more interesting-sounding.

They wrote back, asking if he wanted to join. He wrote back, saying he wanted to join and learn more about the history. They wrote back with a lot of history, also with membership details and information about people in Britain who had similar views. The boy filled in the application form and wrote to the people with similar views, and learnt a lot more about the Ku Klux Klan in the 20th century, and a lot else beside ...

There were two main results from his research. One was that he gained much higher marks and a "Well Done!" from his teacher. The other was that on the day before his A-level History exam, the police arrived at his school and arrested him on charges of being a terrorist suspect and a racial agitator.

MORAL: Study history. Don't make it.

*

There was once a blind home secretary who took delight in interfering with other people's civil liberties and also with their wives. Yet when he resigned, it was not for either of those things, but for expediting a nanny's employment permit.

MORAL: There are some things you cannot make up.