Gentlemen, tomorrow we invade the USA

People often write to me about Iraq and say things like: Have we won yet? Can we get out now? Did we ever find any weapons of mass destruction? When is Saddam going on trial? Did the Americans get the oil they wanted? Can you recommend any good restaurants in Baghdad...?

And I write back and say things like: Hey! Steady on! Whoa there! Hold your horses! What makes you think I know the answer to questions like that? Just because I write for a national newspaper, what gives you the idea that I might be better informed than anyone else? That shuts most of them up.

Luckily, I do know someone who knows all the answers to all those questions and that is a top British army expert, General Sir Victor Ludorum (not his real name). General Ludorum was until recently in charge of part of the British Army, and although he was forced to leave after a misunderstanding with a female soldier, he is still very much in touch with his old mates. So here he is now, to deal with all your worries about Iraq. First question, please.

Q. Have we won yet? Can we get out now? Did we ever find any weapons of mass destruction? When is Saddam Hussein going on trial? Did the Americans get the oil they wanted...?

A. Hey! Steady on! Whoa there! Hold your horses! No pushing, no shoving . . Everyone just relax! That's better. Now, you in the front there. What's your question?

Q. We may have won the war, but have we won the peace?

A. Sir.

Q. We may have won the war, but have we won the peace, sir?

A. That's better. Well, America has certainly won the war all right, but I think we have to ask ourselves: at what cost? Of course the US army is the best funded in the world and all that, but they have not got limitless resources. The US army is a much slimmer affair than it used to be 20 years ago in the Cold War. In order to successfully invade Iraq, the Americans had to call up many volunteers and reservists. They also had to call on army divisions from Germany or the UK or elsewhere. Someone has actually calculated that at the moment the US army is so stretched that most of its personnel are involved one way or another with Iraq. For an army which is meant to be patrolling the world, it is a bit of a comedown to find that it is hard pushed just to control one country. The implications of this are mind-boggling.

Q. What are the mind-boggling implications of this? Sir?

A. I'm glad you asked me that. Well, the implications are that right now, the United States of America are more open to attack than they ever have been.

Q. You mean, another terrorist attack, sir?

A. No, I don't. I mean a military invasion. Look, I'm only a first-class, highly experienced, brilliant top soldier, but it strikes me that if anyone wanted to mount a full-scale invasion of America, now would be the time. The place is ready for the taking. Give me a highly mobile, professional army, and I could be in there, spread out, take the seats of power... God, I wish I was young again, and in charge!

Q. That's ridiculous, sir. Who would want to invade the US?

A. Most of the Arab world, for a start. China. There's French-speaking Canada, of course, and their French-speaking ally, France. Then there's Mexico...

Q. How on earth would somewhere like Mexico ever be able to invade the USA? They'd never get across the border!

A. On the contrary. They reckon that already over a million Mexicans have crossed the border in five years. Not as an army, of course. Only in ones or twos. But what if they were travelling incognito? What if all those Mexicans were fully trained soldiers, sent ahead as sleepers? What if the Mexican army has already infiltrated America and is just awaiting the call to arms? What if...?

I'm sorry about that. We now have one British Army ex-General, suddenly surplus to requirements. Any offers, please, to take him off our hands.