Emergency at 30,000 ft

Recently, I wrote a piece about British Midland International airlines and its new medical policy for passengers who fall ill during a flight. Until now, like most airlines, it had relied on appealing to any doctors on board to come forward and give treatment. However, it seems that doctors are less and less willing to come forward, so BMI has hatched a plan to establish links between its planes and a medical centre in Texas, so that the doctor in Texas can examine the patient electronically from afar and recommend the stewardess to carry out the correct treatment.

Well, nobody else may have read the piece, but Ken certainly did. Ken was on the phone to me as soon as he had read it. Ken is head of a television production company that has its base in London. Ken thought I might be able to help his company in its problems and asked me to come round. I didn't know how I could help, but when I hear of a TV production company that is in trouble, well, I guess I jest feel mighty sorry for that li'l old TV company and I rush round to see what I can do for them, especially as there might be money involved.

"This is the writer I told you about," said Ken as I was ushered into their meeting. "Tell them about your idea, Miles."

"What idea?" I said.

"Perhaps we ought to start from the beginning," said Ken. "Our company, which is called Inktank, provides TV dramas. If you have ever watched afternoon telly, you've probably seen our shows. We used to specialise in court-case dramas, but they're not as popular as they used to be. We had one for a while which was set in a motorway service area, which we thought was a winner, but it wasn't."

"Did very well in Russia," said someone.

"Aye, it did," said Ken, "but only the Russians would have thought a motorway service area was glamorous. Anyway, we desperately need another hit. Now, the biggest TV drama successes are always set in hospitals, and all we need to get back on track is another medical hit like ER or Casualty. So I thought your idea about the airline that treats patients in mid-air might combine the glamour of air travel with the allure of hospitals..."

"It wasn't my idea," I said. "It was BMI's idea."

"Who's BMI?" said Ken.

"It's an airline," I said. "It had this idea for treating patients in mid-air via an electronic link-up to Texas. The doctor's in Texas, the patient is in mid-air."

"Is the doctor young?" said a voice down the table.

"Is he attractive?" said another.

"Does he have a mother with an incurable disease?"

"No, better – does he have a girlfriend with a heart condition, and she takes a flight on a BMI plane, and she falls terribly ill on the flight, and he has to treat her from Texas, not knowing that it's his girlfriend he's treating?!"

"Oh, God, that's great, Ben!" said a female.

"Listen!" I said. "This will never make a TV medical soap! There's one medical guy down in Texas, see, and there's lots of lovely stewardesses up in the sky who can sell duty-free in four languages, but no matter how devilishly attractive the doctor in Texas is, he'll never meet the stewardesses, because the link is electronic!"

"Here's another idea," said a young man with a beard, as if I hadn't even spoken. "The girl falls ill on the plane, and they make contact with Texas, but while our hero in Texas is making a diagnosis, a strange passenger comes forward claiming to be a doctor, and demanding to examine the girl."

"Examine?" said Ken. "What, exactly, do you mean, Kevin? Do you mean... examine?"

"I certainly do," said Kevin. "I am afraid this new arrival is a bogus doctor who is interested only in getting his hands on female patients. But on a long-haul flight, maybe a bogus doctor is better than no doctor at all!"

"Oh, God, that's great, Kevin," said the fickle female.

"No, hold on," said Ben. "I've got another idea. Maybe someone falls ill on the plane, and there's no doctor there and they can't get through to Texas, and a man comes forward who is on the plane and he's a famous actor and he was in a medical TV soap for a long time, and he says, 'I played the part of a doctor once who cured someone with these symptoms, and I believe I can remember what to do...'"

"Oh, God, that's neat, Ben," says the female, and it's about this time I leave the meeting feeling rather sick, but if you wanted to know what TV production meetings are like, then I'm glad I stuck it that long to find out for you.