Doctor in the dock

Yesterday, I brought you part of a High Court trial in which an actor, Gary Stimkins, is up on a charge of medical negligence, even though he is not a doctor – he just plays the part of a doctor in a long-running TV hospital soap called Passion Wing.

While on a transatlantic flight, the court heard, he was persuaded, in the absence of any other medical figure on board, to treat a passenger who had fallen ill. We take it up from there.

Counsel: Now, Mr Stimkins...

Stimkins: Please call me Gary.

Counsel: I most certainly will not!

Stimkins: I am sorry. I was just trying to put you at your ease. I do that with all interviewers.

Counsel: This is not a showbiz interview, Mr Stimkins. This is a very serious affair.

Stimkins: That suits me. Playing the part of handsome Dr Murdoch Jameson, heart-throb star of TV's block-busting Passion Wing, I am used to having very serious affairs.

Lady juror: Yes, you certainly are! In one episode, you swore undying love to no fewer than two doctors, one nurse, and a female who had only come to visit her mother! How could you, doctor, how could you! You broke the hearts of a million women!

Judge: I will not have this ceaseless interruption! Replace that woman!

The woman is taken, shrieking, from the jury box, and replaced by a man who has no TV set.

Counsel: So, Mr Stimkins, going back to last July, you agreed, though only as a TV doctor, to look at a fellow- passenger on your flight to America who had fallen ill. Why did you agree to do this?

Stimkins: I was cramped. I was bored. I thought it would do me good to stretch my legs and meet new people.

Counsel: And kill them?

Stimkins: I have never killed anyone in my life!

Counsel: We shall see about that in a moment. Now, you were taken to seat P7, where you found a lady who had fainted.

Stimkins: That is correct.

Counsel: What was your diagnosis?

Stimkins: She was young, pretty, and unattached.

Counsel: And what would your TV character, Dr Murdoch Jameson, have diagnosed?

Stimkins: That she was young, pretty, and ready for the plucking.

Counsel: As a professional doctor, I mean.

Stimkins: That she was young, pretty, and ready for the plucking.

Counsel: You seem to be sex-addicted, Mr Stimkins.

Stimkins: I certainly am not. But Dr Jameson, alas, is.

Counsel: Then describe what you did, in your role as a doctor.

Stimkins: I took her hand and felt her pulse. I touched her brow and felt her temperature. I put my hand on her chest and felt her breathing. I loosened her clothing and...

Male juror: You cad, sir! You total, absolute cad!

Stimkins: On the contrary. This is what a doctor does. Even one who is not Dr Jameson.

Counsel: Subsequent events, Mr Stimkins, showed that the patient was suffering from a rare condition called Kromer's disease. You knew nothing of this, however?

Stimkins: Nothing. Nobody in any episode of Passion Wing I have been in has ever had Kromer's disease.

Counsel: So what did you diagnose?

Stimkins: I prescribed rest, plenty of water, and plenty of exercise. That is what all doctors do. They know that 90 per cent of all ailments go away by themselves. And then the doctor gets the credit.

Counsel: Plenty of rest and plenty of exercise? Isn't that self-contradictory?

Stimkins: Not if a doctor says it.

Counsel: What happened next?

Stimkins: The lady came round. She looked up at me. I said: "Sweetie, nobody with lovely eyes like yours is going to be ill for long."

Counsel: Is that the sort of thing a doctor says?

Stimkins: It is the sort of thing Dr Murdoch Jameson says.

Counsel: I am surprised that Dr Jameson was not struck off long ago.

Stimkins: So am I, frankly, but the ratings dictate otherwise.

At this point, it was noticed that the judge had gone a funny colour and slumped unconscious. The clerk of the court, having established that he could not be woken, asked whether there was a doctor in the court. There being no doctor, all eyes turned to Gary Stimkins.

Stimkins: No! No! Please! You cannot be serious!

More of this sensational trial in the near future