Divinity by committee

I have received a press release summarising the decisions reached at the most recent summit meeting of gods. This, as I think I have mentioned before, is a regular get-together of all the main deities to discuss and, with luck, influence the way we humans are running the planet. All the most important modern gods are present, as well as many of the old gods who are no longer worshipped, which, as usual, seems to have led to some friction.

I have received a press release summarising the decisions reached at the most recent summit meeting of gods. This, as I think I have mentioned before, is a regular get-together of all the main deities to discuss and, with luck, influence the way we humans are running the planet. All the most important modern gods are present, as well as many of the old gods who are no longer worshipped, which, as usual, seems to have led to some friction.

Obviously, the minutes are too long to bring you in full, but here are some of the more interesting items.

1. The Chairgod asked the Jewish God if he and the Christian God had managed to arrange a merger yet, a matter which had been on the agenda for 2,000 years now, without much sign of progress. The Jewish God said it wasn't a matter of a merger. He, the Jewish God, had been around from the beginning of time and was very much the senior figure, whereas until 2,000 years ago, the upstart Christian God had never been heard of. Until the Christian God was prepared to give up his claims to be the Messiah, there could be no going forward. The Christian God said that he couldn't really give up his claims to be the Messiah as he was the Messiah. The Jewish God said, "You see, there he goes again!". The Christian God said that if they were going to wait for the Jewish Messiah to put in an appearance, they would be here until Doomsday, and it was a bit late bringing on a Messiah on Judgement Day. The Jewish God said that there would be a Jewish Messiah, all in good time. These things take time to organise. The Christian God said that they had heard that one before...

2. The Chairgod said that he was sorry he had brought up the subject and could they now move on.

3. At this point, Zeus asked if he could say something. The Christian God had referred fleetingly to Doomsday. Was there in fact going to be a Doomsday? Many religions did include a belief in a final day of Judgement, but what was official All-God policy on this one? He said that if the last day of all involved judgement, that implied that the judgement would lead to various punishments, and how would there be time for any really long-lasting punishments if it really was the Last Day? He had some very good ideas for punishments, if anyone was interested...

4. The Chairgod said that a committee of minor gods was looking into the matter of Doomsday, and a lot of progress had been made. Unfortunately, it was all bedevilled, excuse the expression, by the concept of reincarnation, as those Eastern beliefs who thought that things went round and round infinitely were not too happy about the idea of everything coming to an end suddenly. But he was sure that some compromise would be reached.

5. Mars, the Roman God of War, said never mind about Doomsday, when was the war against Iraq going to start? He had placed a bet with Loki, Norse God of Mischief, that the Iraqis would give the Americans a bloody nose this time round, and if there was not going to be a war, there would be no way of settling the bet.

6. The Chairgod said that he was very sorry to hear that Mars had placed a bet with Loki, God of Mischief. He reminded all present that Loki would stop at nothing to win a bet, and would intervene in the most underhand way. He said that they could hardly have forgotten that several gods had placed bets with Loki on Al Gore to win the last American presidential election, and how Loki had sunk to the most abominable vote-rigging in Florida to keep his money. A motion was passed to ask Mars to withdraw his bet. Mars roared with disagreement, threw a thunderbolt and stormed out of the meeting.

7. A six-armed Hindu god or goddess said that he or she thought all gods of war had been asked to leave their weapons outside during meetings.

8. The Chairgod sighed and said he thought so, too. He said they should pass on to the next item on the agenda, which was the vexed question of whether gods should be allowed to write and publish their own memoirs.

More of this fascinating stuff tomorrow...