Dom Joly: Faster, higher, longer... total Olympics

It just goes to show that you should never judge a book by the cover. There was I thinking that Andre Agassi was an uberdull, born-again Christian tennis player and that his book would be the very same. Then I find out that he's of Iranian/Assyrian (whatever that might be) descent, gives large donations to the Democratic Party and that his middle name is Kirk... this changed everything.

That and, of course, learning that he snorted crystal meth. Following these revelations, people are going on about how there should be some form of action taken against him. They want to strip him of his titles. Personally, I think, if anything, that he should be raised to an even higher pedestal in the Tennis Hall of Fame. I knew that he was a good tennis player but to find out that he was a good tennis player while under the influence of crystal meth makes him an astonishing player. Surely there has to be some sort of distinction between performance-enhancing drugs and stuff that can be of absolutely no use to your tennis whatsoever?

I remember that Canadian snowboarder being disqualified from the Winter Olympics for testing positive for marijuana. Firstly, I was always surprised that they've ever managed to find a single snowboarder who didn't smoke marijuana to award a medal to. Certainly, I've never met one. Secondly, just the simple fact that a man smoking marijuana was motivated enough to get out of bed, put on some clothes and go to "work" should have earned him a medal straight away.

What about Michael Phelps? Surely nobody can claim that him taking a hit from a stupidly large bong was going to help him swim any faster? I've only ever swum once when I was stoned and it was a very distressing episode. The moment I went underwater I got very claustrophobic and started to fight off a panic attack.

When I'd managed to find the surface I gasped for air and started hyperventilating. It wasn't a good look and I would have spotted it immediately when I was watching Phelps at Beijing. I presume that the real problem is that impressionable youths will see the jug-eared Olympic wunderfish smoking pot and that they will assume this to be the correct Olympic training regime. Personally, if I had to spend up to seven hours a day, swimming up and down a pool for mind-numbingly endless laps, I'd do so much more than a bong in my downtime ... but maybe that's just me?

They say that the real battle is always one between the drug takers and the testers – the takers always trying to stay just that one step ahead. Sometimes, however, you really don't need a test. I was in a rehearsal studio just outside New York (touring with my "rock" band, if you must know) when I watched Ben Johnson smash the world record and briefly win the gold medal in Seoul before being disqualified for failing a drug test. Did they really need to administer a test? His eyes were almost popping out of his head and I swear that I saw two veins actually explode on his arms in the final 10 metres. It was obvious to anyone watching that the man had just ingested enough narcotics of some form to kill a hippopotamus.

I've said this before and been shouted down but I don't care. I think we should just give in and go for a "total" Olympics. Whatever can make you go faster, higher, longer – then go for it. I want to see teams of scientists standing behind the sprinters and injecting them in the arse seconds before the gun. At least this way, it would be all out in the open.

It would be like Formula One without the crashes. It would be a battle between scientists to see what they could pump into their man or woman to make them better/grow breasts and a moustache. Essentially, everybody would be equal as they would all have access to the same drugs.

This would leave us with a souped-up competition in which the most naturally talented would win. What would you rather see, a man throwing a javelin 100 metres or half a mile? I love the high jump (especially when Blanka Vlasic is competing... oh Blanka... we'll always have Beijing...) and personally I would prefer to watch somebody jump over four metres than two. If science can make this happen, then bring it on.

Sent gaga by yoga

Is yoga a sport? Probably not, but I've just started doing it and it makes me feel very uncomfortable and stressed out – is this what's meant to happen? Answers on a yogi please...