Dom Joly: Curry, beer and darts... What Linda Pizzuti learnt about being a Liverpoolie this week

I've been following the Twitter antics of Linda Pizzuti, the wife of Liverpool owner, John Henry. Real estate developer Pizzuti married the Boston Red Sox owner, who is 59, when she was 30 years old. As Henry's New England Sport Ventures had concluded their £300m takeover of the club, he and his rather gorgeous wife were in Liverpool to attend their first game at Anfield and she, as a keen Twitterer, was asking fans what songs she needed to learn before the game.

The replies were effusive and she seemed thrilled with her first visit to the ground but there were clearly some trans-Atlantic misunderstandings as she was quickly on the phone to their PR person to clarify some issues. Fortunately, as usual, I was able to use the expert knowledge of some old employees of the News of The World and I was soon listening into the call.

"Hey Jennifer, it's Linda ... Linda Pizzuti here, how you doing, honey?"

"Oh, hi Mrs Pizzuti. How are you?"

"Yeah, I'm good except my feet are killing me, I've been taken on more goddam' tours of Liverpool than any lady might need. Tell me, is there any building in the city that doesn't have a Beatles connection, cos I haven't found one yet?"

"Oh right? They are keen on their musical heritage up there that's for sure."

"Keen on it – they're goddam' obsessed with it! I just spent ten minutes in a building that used to be a store that Ringo Starr's aunt once shopped in. How random is that?"

"Yes ... how was the game?"

"The game? Oh the soccer ... it was great actually. I asked some of the fans some advice on what to sing and they were pretty helpful overall."

"Really, you knew some of the words?"

"Well, not to all of them, some of them were a little tricky to understand but I sure got some of them... (starts singing) You're going home in an ambulance, you're so shit it's unbelievable."

"You were singing that?"

"Sure I was, it was cool, I'm a Liverpoolie now."

"Uuuhhmm, I'm sure the fans appreciate that sort of stuff but it would probably be best if you didn't actually sing those sort of songs, if the cameras caught you, the papers would make a meal out of it..."

"What? Oh come on, relax, what's the big deal, I'm a passionate personage and if I want to sing with the crowd I'll goddam' do that. Next you're gonna' tell me not to throw darts at the opposing supporters..."

"Uuuhhmm ... but you didn't did you?"

"Didn't what?"

"Please tell me you didn't actually throw darts at anyone."

"Oh come off it, I throw two darts, big deal, so arrest me. Everyone was doing it from the box, it's part of the fun. Next week some guy told me we'll all be throwing pound coins as they fly well and you can be more accurate."

"Linda, please, this is really not a good idea. I know you're trying to get cosy with the fans and I think that's great but ... you can't do this kind of thing, seriously."

"Oh relax, it'll be fine. I didn't ring you to get told what to do – I have a question."

"Ok. what is it?"

"Is a wanker a good thing or a bad thing?"

"Uum, it's bad thing."

"OK and what about tosser?"

"That's also a bad thing."

"OK and last one: fudgepacker. What the heck is that?"

"It's a term of abuse for a homosexual."

"OMG! That's hilarious, that explains the bending over thing that goes with the chorus."

"Linda, you really can't be seen to join in with this stuff."

"Don't worry honey, it's all high jinks – we all went out on the town last night and nobody started to complain."

"Where did you go – did you get my message about you being on the door at Living Room?"

"Yeah, but we didn't feel like it – get this, we went for an Indian meal and ate some mind-blowingly hot stuff. Then, when the cheque came, we all got up and ran out – I got chased by a policeman but he didn't catch me. It's supposed to be a game tradition."

"Linda. We need to talk, seriously talk – I don't think I can do the PR for you if this is really happening."

"Take a chill pill baby, nothing bad is going to happen – I'm just having fun. This is what soccer watchers do!"

"No ... no it's not, you need to act responsibly – you're the owner's wife!"

"I got to go honey ... I'm going drinking with Darren and Kevin, two lads I met last night, they're going to show me what a Chelsea Smile is..."