Deborah Ross: Our Woman in Crouch End

APPRENTICE (THE)

Of all the households we would have polled if only we could have been bothered and hadn't been feeling so tired (100 per cent of us have been feeling very tired lately), 79 per cent would have said that if Sir Alan is "ready to see you now", how come he's always the last into the boardroom?; 98.4 per cent said they'd give anything to know what is behind the sliding doors as long as it doesn't involve anything too energetic as we think we might have anaemia; everyone knows that while Nick and Margaret might look like a couple of sweet OAPs they are poison, poison!; 49 per cent admitted they had never seen Sir Alan and Sid James in the same room, which is weird, even though one of them is dead; the other 51 per cent said go away and leave us alone, you stupid twit and anaemia, my arse, you just can't be bothered to get up before noon and all that "what?, I've been up for ages" doesn't fool anybody: ie, it fools zero per cent of people 100 per cent of the time.

BISCUITS

Almost one in three people over and under the age of 65 say they enjoy a biscuit every now and then; of the 356 drug-related deaths in Scotland in 2004, no biscuits were involved; one in five pensioners say that if they couldn't have a nice biscuit with their cup of tea they would have nothing to live for; at least 456 billion barrels of biscuits will be pumped from the earth in 2006; the Gypsy Cream is the only biscuit that manages to be creamy and have a Gypsy-ish air about it; the average Briton doesn't like anything too pink and wafery and wonders if anyone has nailed something to a wall with an Iced Gem.

CHILDREN

Eighty-two per cent of children have their own games consoles, which may make you wish to shake the parents of the other 18 per cent and shout: "What do you think you are doing? We do live in the first world, you know? Get a grip!"; all mothers everywhere agree that games consoles are bloody marvellous for getting the kids out from under your feet; 100 per cent of mothers also say there is nothing wrong with using the TV as a babysitter, as it is considerably cheaper than the real thing and you don't have to drive it home afterwards; on average, children all over the world are smaller than adults and very annoying; all toddlers will eat dishwasher tablets if given the opportunity, which shows how thick they are; 80 per cent of teenagers now have mobile phones but do they ever answer them?; rainfall in the UK in January 2006 was only 40 per cent of the average but no child will take the blame as nothing is ever their fault.

DEATH

The major causes of death in the UK are:

Heart disease: 37 per cent

Cancer: 24 per cent

Stroke: 12 per cent

Having a sizeable piece of cheese land on your head: 8.5 per cent

The top killer cheese in the UK is Stilton with apricots followed by Edam. You have the best chance of surviving if hit by Brie, as it is often too runny to be lethal.

EARNINGS

Bigger earners earn on average more than smaller earners; 100 per cent of smaller earners hate bigger earners; the average GP earns over £100,000 just for telling you it's not anaemia, even though it is; the bigger the earner the bigger the plasma telly, unless you are on benefits, in which case it will be huge; 20 per cent of Britons who earn less than the minimum wage are chumps, for all we know; money can't buy happiness, but you only need a bit of it to buy tons of sleeveless tops from Primark.

FRUIT

Fruits in order of awkwardness to eat, from simple to most awkward:

Unseeded grapes; banana; apple; strawberries; orange; seeded grapes; melon; mango; pineapple, coconut; pomegranate (particularly while cycling uphill, singing an aria from Madame Butterfly).

GREAT BRITISH MENU

Viewers of this programme (every weekday; 6.30pm; BBC2) agree that as 49 per cent of the show previews what is to come, and 49 per cent reviews what has happened, the 2 per cent of programme left just isn't worth sticking around for unless you are nuts for Jennie Bond.

HEALTH

Doctors agree that a good diet and exercise can prolong life expectancy, but so can wearing a hard hat while being on the look-out for cheese.

d.ross@independent.co.uk (some 69 per cent of those who e-mail may or may not get a reply)