Christmas drinking: Comfort and joy fall as amateur drinkers rise

I don’t want to sound too doomy, readers, but look after yourselves this week: amateur drinkers are everywhere. You’ll have noticed it already when you tried to get into your local pub on Friday night. Was your usual spot taken by a group of tipsy office workers in party hats, shrieking at cracker jokes as if their careers depended on it? Were all the bar staff occupied by one bloke getting in 27 Jägerbombs, a woman who had clearly never ordered a round before, and a stressed-looking misfit making them switch on the coffee machine for one decaf soya latte? Was everybody in the pub standing up and shouting? Well, it’s only going to get worse.

To stay safe and calm this Christmas, don’t, whatever you do, use public transport. Have you seen that photo doing the rounds on social media, of two Santas on the London Underground, one holding the other’s hat while he is sick into it? They were at least making an effort. Usually these people get on the bus or train, puke all over the floor, then stagger off, ashamed, at the next station. Or they cry and fall asleep on your shoulder. If you know an amateur drinker, please hang a sign around their neck so that sensible fellow travellers can wake them up at their stop.

Some amateur drinkers don’t even make it on to the train. Last Christmas, I saw two men weeing on the platform at 7 o’clock on a Wednesday evening. Seven o’clock! Guys, if you can’t take your ale then please stick to lemonade the next time you decide to go out for a liquid lunch.

And please do have some lunch. Take my advice: it is never a good idea to start on the prosecco on an empty stomach. And if you haven’t eaten anything but chia seeds since January, don’t come crying to me when you go wild with intoxication, blow all your taxi fare home on a family-sized bucket of KFC and then drop the lot into a big puddle at the bus stop.

Also, there’s the couple who got it on at last night’s Christmas party and are still drunk and a bit gropey the next morning …. You really need to brush your teeth before you get to work, you know. Seriously though, do take care this Christmas, at the very least by knowing your limits. Trained drinkers alternate with soft drinks, eat, look out for their friends and stop before becoming insensible, because breaking a leg or losing your mind is not festive.

I can’t even advocate staying home and practising drinking until next year, since I learnt that in one year alone, 37 people fell down escalators at London’s banking and boozing centre, Canary Wharf (compared with 12 people at Angel, where the longest escalator is).

I know that Canary Wharf drinkers, and their embarrassing inebriation, is not down to a lack of practice. So, be careful, be cool, and have a happy Christmas.