The political pantomime (and four BIG personalities) swamping the Chagos row...

Cue: the donning of uniforms, the playing of “Rule Britannia”, and the strutting of politicians trying to defend our empire.

We’re not quite there yet, but the drum beats are certainly getting louder – and with them, a sense of history repeating itself. Back in 1982, it was a bunch of islands in the South Atlantic that few people in Britain had heard of, let alone cared about.

The Falkland Islands appeared on maps of what we owned, a collection of dots far away. If they surfaced at all in the national consciousness it was in pub quiz questions. Then, Argentina had the temerity to claim them as its own and all hell, literally, erupted. War was declared, and sovereignty restored, but with the loss of many lives and the infliction of terrible injuries.

Nevertheless, in the Tory annals, the Falklands campaign went down as one of Mrs Thatcher’s finest feats, a heroic effort that saved her then teetering popularity.

Suddenly, in the midst of a leadership contest that cannot even be encapsulated by the word “lacklustre” (look at the lineup of Thatcher’s first cabinet, then at the current crop – and weep) the future of another obscure imperial outpost has been thrust to the fore.

The government is returning the Chagos Islands to Mauritius, and the would-be Tory “titans” (joking) are seizing the moment.

It’s a chance to play to the heartland, to get the old colonels harrumphing, to fill the Telegraph letters page for ever and a day. More to the point, it’s an opportunity to resurrect the Iron Lady herself, to sally forth once more, for Britain and King Charles III!

Straight away, Tom Tugendhat, the one with an army background (and don’t we know it) and Robert Jenrick – he of the crew-cut designed to make him look tough and commanding, just like in the military (except his face is far too pasty and well-fed to instil fear) – have jumped aboard the gunboat Save the Chagos.

But it can’t be one of our ships, because our very own government is behind the deal. What’s required, so the subtext goes, is an opposition led by someone who cares about Britain and its glorious past, who could just be Corporal Tom or Captain Robert...

Hang on, though – there’s another problem. The talks to hand over the blessed isles were instigated by the previous administration, which was... Tory!

Then, joy of joys, it turns out that the person responsible was none other than James not-so-Cleverly, when he was foreign secretary. That’s right, the very same candidate with the felt-tip beard who is seeking to defeat Tom and Robert.

According to the desperate duo, the leftie government, aided and abetted by its liberal north London lawyer pals – and, it seems, Jimmy Cleverly – wants to give the Chagos to a nation that is in bed with China.

Not to be outdone, his true emotions shielded by that great bush, Cleverly has also condemned the agreement. That’s right – the one he kickstarted himself, back in 2022.

There might be a thin smile, acknowledging shame, if only we could see it, but we can’t, such is his hirsute mask. So, Cleverly can wave the flag just like the others. In his case, apparently, what’s been agreed is too much – he would never have signed up to it, oh no.

Sensing that this argument does not entirely wash, his allies are also briefing that it was not Cleverly’s doing at all, but that of Liz Truss. Mrs T’s doll was PM at the time, and she’s to blame. But wait, isn’t Liz the most vehement opponent of China...? So the notion that she would cave in to Beijing over anything at all seems unlikely. Shrug. Who cares? Everyone can pile in on Truss (and maybe that’s entirely the point).

The problem for the implacable trio is the reality, which is that the handover has the blessing of the US – our special (only) friend. This makes the claims about the Chinese being behind it hard to swallow. Over the third glass of port in the darkest recesses of the Carlton Club, it surely must be acknowledged that the US is no pal of China.

Also, Mauritius has not been swept up in China’s Belt and Road Initiative. It’s outside of Beijing’s territory-conquering policy dressed up as aid and investment. So long as the UK continues to pay Mauritius to use the military base on the Chagos, it’s unlikely the small island nation will fall under Chinese influence.

Oh, and aren’t we actually honouring a half-century-old promise to cede the islands anyway? Isn’t that the same as the other territories we’ve relinquished, the other truces we’ve struck – many of them under Conservative governments – as, read and weep, the sun has set over our imperial might?

But this is the Tory party, the political organisation that has been in power for longer than any in the world. This is how you do it. This is how you win. Who cares about truth and fact and doing the right thing – it’s being top dog that really matters. Chagos, stand by, we’re on our way.