From Ben Shapiro to Tucker Carlson, the absolute worst takes on Cardi B’s performance of WAP

There is something so basic, so profoundly expected about the conservative outrage directed at “WAP”, Cardi B and Megan Thee Stallion’s gloriously daring song. At the very least, recent manufactured controversies about Dr Seuss and Mr Potatohead tried to maintain the illusion of innovation: this time, the woke police was coming from those cultural icons, and they needed to be protected at all cost. An inaccurate narrative, but gripping! You tell me this story, and I see tension. I see some semblance of a plot. If this were a movie, it very well might fall into the “I know this is terrible and yet I can’t look away” category. (Looking at you, Joker.)

The “WAP” controversy, though? Honey, it’s been done to death. It was done in 1984, when Vanessa Williams was made to resign as Miss America because nude photos of her taken before the pageant were published in Penthouse. It was done in 2003, when Britney Spears told America that yes, she had dared have sex before marriage, and the country stared back in faux-outrage. It has been done every time a woman has been shamed and blamed for acting in a sexual manner, i.e. a way that implies she might have sex and perhaps enjoy it.

Nonetheless, conservatives are determined to remain on this specific outrage train, even though it’s been going in circles for at least four decades. The most recent wave came after the Grammys on Sunday night, when Cardi B and Megan Thee Stallion (who took home the Best New Artist, Best Rap Song, and Best Rap Performance awards) performed “WAP” together.

“WAP”, you might recall, stands for “wet-ass p***y” and has nothing to do with felines. It’s gleefully explicit, with lyrics such as: “I wanna gag, I wanna choke/I want you to touch that lil’ dangly thing/That swing in the back of my throat.” It’s incredibly catchy, and it’s Ben Shapiro’s favourite song – just kidding. Obviously our man Ben has devoted a good part of his career to performing his own disgust at this anthem for free, liberated female sexuality.

“WAP” is just a song. But listen to conservative commentators, and you might be under the impression that it’s much more than this. It’s a movement. It’s the end of human decency. It’s – according to Candace Owens – “the end of an empire”. Here’s a little digest of some of the comments lobed at the song by conservatives – you know, the same people who are so, so very worried about “cancel culture” any time someone dares criticise a cultural item they relate to on a personal level.

Tucker Carlson –  “No more Dumbo. It’s too filthy. We get that instead. ...It’s hard not to conclude they’re intentionally trying to degrade our culture and hurt our children.”

This is what Tucker said on Monday on his Fox News show, Tucker Carlson Tonight. If you hated Cardi B and Megan Thee Stallion’s performance so much, why did you air it at all, Tucker? Oh, and who is “they” in this sentence? And what’s “our” culture?

(In case you’re wondering what the deal is with Dumbo: it’s one of a few films that Disney has removed from profiles created specifically for children on Disney+, due to racist depictions. The film remains available to watch from generic profiles, meaning you can absolutely play it for your kids if you so desire. But of course, that makes for a less compelling narrative if your name is Tucker Carlson.)

More seriously, “won’t someone think of the children?” is not a new refrain in Carlson’s battle against Cardi B. He used it back in August 2020, when he claimed the rapper’s content was “aimed at young American girls” and added: “People are getting rich pushing that crap on the country and they should be ashamed of themselves.”

Obviously, the idea that Cardi B is creating music for children is… well, garbage. “WAP” is not for children. It’s a song for adults, about adults, to be enjoyed by adults. Seriously, guys, we went over this in the Eighties, when Tipper Gore founded the Parents’ Music Resource Center, the committee that eventually gave us Parental Advisory stickers. Let’s not do this again.

Candace Owens – The “end of an empire”

On Tucker Carlson’s show (where else?), Owens claimed that American children are being taught that they should “aspire” to be like Cardi, to the detriment of “hard academics”. (Ah, yes! How To Be Like Cardi B 101 is my favourite class currently on the curriculum in schools across the country. And we all know how dearly most Republicans hold academic science.)

“We are weakening America,” Owens added. “That’s really what we should be talking about. This is a weakening of American society. It feels like we are looking at corrosion, like we are about to see the end of an empire. America cannot survive. It cannot be sustained under these sorts of values and principles.”

Oh, please. We all know America fell when Brad and Jennifer broke up, and it’s never been the same since.

Ben Shapiro – “So much feminisming”

After being one of the most vocal passengers on the “WAP” bandwagon last summer, Ben Shapiro has remained relatively quiet in the wake of Cardi B’s Grammys performance – maybe because his last foray into the issue resulted in the kind of article titled “The Mass Humiliation Of Ben Shapiro”.

But he couldn’t resist contributing to the latest discourse, if just a little bit. On Monday, he shared a video of said performance, along with the words: “So much feminisming” – followed by a short rant about how Dr Seuss is unfairly maligned.

To which I say: thank you Ben Shapiro, one of the great feminist thinkers of our time, for reminding us of what our rights are and how we should defend them. If men won’t lead feminism from the front, who will?

Meanwhile, Cardi B and Megan Thee Stallion’s performance has been watched almost five million times on YouTube. And thus, I will leave you with the words of Cardi B, who upon hearing the news of the segment’s success shared with us the most accurate analysis of the actual state of the country: “Americans are so horny.”