The real rabbit in the Budget is that some of these tax rises will hit working people after all

The absence of rabbits in Rachel Reeves’s Budget box may explain how the chancellor managed to hold it aloft for so long. The first woman in history to hoist the scarlet briefcase outside No 11 managed to keep it up for a full minute and 15 seconds while photographers snapped away. Either Reeves is a secret weightlifter or the red box contained helium balloons instead of a speech.

Over in parliament, the chamber was already packed in anticipation. Promotion-hungry Labour MPs arrived at 8.30am to bag seats under the whips’ eyes. Dozens had to stand at the back. No such problem for Conservatives: even with their entire parliamentary party on parade, they had seats for all.

The chancellor took her place at the dispatch box to a thunderous cheer, beaming like the school swot on prize day. With her love of dividing lines, she clearly shares DNA with Gordon Brown. But the weird double helix strand that meant dour Brown had to remind himself to smile occasionally is reversed in Reeves. She struggles instead to remember not to look so infernally pleased with herself all the time.

Before the Budget speech began, Reeves and Sir Keir Starmer were given a spirited dressing-down from the madam deputy speaker, Nusrat Ghani, for leaking almost the entire thing to the media in advance. This was “supreme discourtesy” and a breach of the ministerial code, thundered Ghani. Starmer rubbed his face and stared into space; the image of a defendant feeling uncomfortable. Reeves sat serenely, her conscience entirely untroubled by this professional foul.

At 12.40pm, she stood up to another massive cheer and spent the first 15 minutes of her speech on a far-too-long rehash of Labour’s election victory and the discovery of a supposed £22bn black hole in the Treasury books. Just like in June when she first claimed to have uncovered the black hole, the Tories swallowed the bait and got all agitated. Jeremy Hunt’s eyes were bulging, while James Cleverly bawled “Nonsense!”

The chancellor kept on winding them up, until the opposition front row were howling with rage and Madam Deputy Speaker intervened to warn: “The public are watching.”

Just after this, Reeves let slip that she had no choice now but to whack up taxes by an extra £40bn. Cue uproar. “Simmer down,” commanded Madam Deputy Speaker, enjoying herself almost as much as Reeves.

There wasn’t much good news after that. Growth will limp along at the same post-Brexit crawl and borrowing will go through the roof. With an elegant fingernail marking her place on each page, the chancellor drove tank-like through the rest of her speech.

As for all those tax hikes, she simply assured the House they would not be visible to working people “on their payslips”. The party has gone from saying “We will not increase national insurance” in its manifesto to saying “We will, but you won’t notice.”

The brighter Labour MPs began to look a tad thoughtful. Even with the massive borrowing and tax revenues, they still have to defend the cut in pensioner winter fuel payments and the continuing two-child benefit cap. Fortunately for them, the leaderless Conservatives simply looked confused by it all.

The chancellor cheered them up at the end, telling MPs that “because of the difficult decisions that I have taken on tax, welfare and spending” she could give £22.6bn to the NHS. Now that was something they could sell on the doorstep. She also wrong-footed the opposition by not extending a freeze on tax thresholds and cancelling the petrol duty rise again.

Reeves eventually sat down after a bum-numbing 77 minutes to yet another deafening cheer while journalists and politicos dashed outside to grab copies of the OBR report and discover how bad things really are. The gilt markets were already sounding alarm bells at the sheer scale of it.

Rishi Sunak stood up, making his final significant speech as leader of the opposition. Earlier, in Prime Minister’s Questions, Sir Keir had noted that the ex-premier had written to No 10 recently pleading for a meeting with a minister about a local bypass. Ouch.

Sunak did a fair job – if responding to a Budget boils down to just shouting liar, liar, pants on fire for half an hour. “Shameless,” he bellowed. “They planned to do this all along!” Labour had “not been straight” and had “fiddled the figures”. A generous interpretation is that he left the incoming Conservative leader with a free hand to say how things might be done differently.

The deputy speaker intervened again to name and shame a Labour cabinet minister who was heckling exuberantly like the student leader he used to be. “Mr Streeting,” she admonished, “you promised me this morning!”

By now the bad news was trickling out of the OBR report and the Treasury red book. Surprise, surprise – some of these tax rises will hit working people after all. Reeves may have juggernauted her way through the Commons chamber but tomorrow’s post-Budget media round will not be short of material.