The BBC should be ashamed – its approach to Donald Trump's comments was so bad a woman had to question it while on-air

The fact that Donald Trump’s comment about “[grabbing] women in the pussy” is wholly unacceptable shouldn’t be up for debate, but yesterday morning, BBC Radio 4’s Today programme thought it appropriate to do just that. In a heated exchange, presenter Justin Webb questioned whether the backlash to his comments meant men could no longer discuss women in a sexual manner behind closed doors, “even if it’s complimentary”. Out of the hundreds of angles they could have taken – a serious look at how his comments are just the tip of the iceberg in a toxic culture of entitlement over women’s bodies being one – they chose that.

Everyday Sexism founder Laura Bates pointed out to Webb that he was “conflating two completely different things” when he asked, straight-faced, whether “the serious issue is whether or not it is acceptable in 2016 for men together to talk about women in a sexual manner without feeling guilty about it”. Webb seemed unable to grasp the blatant difference between Trump’s description of putting his hand between a woman’s legs without her consent, and some lads discussing which birds they think are fit.

In reality, the serious issue is that women, in 2016, still have to explicitly spell out the difference between what can actually be classed as banter, and what is, as Bates put it, “discussing women in [a] dehumanising way as objects there for the taking”. The furore around Trump’s comments shows that women are sick and tired of having to play down the barrage of repulsive comments – and, too often, unwanted touching – we frequently experience, and will no longer accept the nonchalant brushing-off that some corners of society seem determined to do. As Laura Bates said, “it matters” that a Today programme presenter chose to approach the issue in this way, because that’s why a man like Donald Trump is now a serious candidate for the US president.

“Who’s to say every man who talks like that would assault a woman?” cry Trump’s cronies. Well, who’s to say they won’t? I’ve had my breasts grabbed by a man who called me fit in a bar; I’ve been followed into the toilets by a man in a pub (who stormed away swearing when I told him less politely to leave me alone). I’ve dated – and swiftly dumped – a man who admitted to feeling women’s bottoms in nightclubs if they were wearing short skirts. A person I’d previously had consensual sex with decided to insert their penis into me while I slept, despite me telling them earlier that night that I didn’t want to have sex with them that night. To this day, I wonder whether he knew what he was doing was rape, or simply felt entitled to me because I was there, in his bed. Sleeping. The worst part is that I know my experiences aren’t unique or even uncommon: according to Rape Crisis statistics, 1 in 5 women aged 16 - 59 has experienced some form of sexual violence since the age of 16.

Yes, these are actions, not words, but the effect of words like Trump’s are far-reaching. I don’t know whether the men who assaulted me discussed women in similar words to Trump, but I’ve no doubt that they subconsciously absorbed the message too often sent by society that men are just having a laugh when they make lewd remarks, that they can’t control their urges, that they think about sex more than women and need an outlet.

Comments like Trump’s don’t lead to men making a conscious choice to be sex offenders – worse, they make men believe that what they’re doing isn’t a sexual offence at all, and that putting their hands on women who haven’t invited or consented to their advances is acceptable behaviour. One depressing study found last year that one third of college men said they would rape a woman if they could get away with it, but fewer would admit it if the actual word “rape” was used instead of “forcing a woman into sexual intercourse”.

Nobody’s telling men to stop finding women attractive or talking about sex. Nobody’s calling for an end to compliments or “banter”. We’re saying that it’s high time women can stop living in fear. Why was it so difficult for the Today show to realise that?