At last! You can be at the very heart of the media circus!

WEEK BY WEEK, The Independent brings you the best bargains in the media market place.

Last week we guaranteed to have someone carrying the placard of your choice on the Countryside March! (The winner was THE AMERICAN GUN LOBBY SUPPORTS PETER MANDELSON'S DOMES)

The week before that we guaranteed that Janet Street-Porter would walk through your garden - and include it in her next book! The week before that we promised that your husband - or somebody indistinguishable from him - would be featured in Jilly Cooper's next novel!

Today we bring you another crop of unrepeatable media offers not to be found in any other publication, exclusive to all Independent readers! (Or, of course, to the readers of any other paper who happen to have bought this paper by mistake.)

So here we go with today's wonderful special offers...

PRINT YOUR OWN FRENCH

WORLD CUP TICKETS SET!

Yes, with this super-duper up-to-date Jean Bull printing set, you can actually create your own World Cup tickets for the match you want, in the seat you want! The French may have kept all the tickets for French fans, but they are going to be surprised at just how many English football fans will arrive with their own apparently authentic match tickets. Why not sit in a Frenchman's lap with the same ticket number as him! Et puis lui dire de vous foutre le camp... ! ( Handy French phrase book comes free... )

GET YOUR OWN BEQUEST

IN DIANA'S WILL OFFER!

The late Diana, Princess of Wales, left over seventeen million pounds in her will. It's as if she won the National Lottery seventeen times over! That's about 50p for everyone in the country. And yet she didn't leave YOU anything, did she? Honestly, some people... Luckily, that can be put right just by sending in a cheque for pounds 1,000 made payable to "Diana's Favourite Charities". Unbelievable, but that's all it takes to get into Diana's will. You won't get as much back as you pay in, but, as Diana would have said, that's the National Lottery for you.

HAVE YOUR OWN BOOK

PERSONALLY TURNED DOWN

BY RUPERT MURDOCH!

Just imagine. For many years you have dreamt of having your novel, or your memoirs, published. But nobody sees it your way. They read it and send it back, saying: "Sorry, but you are not even the new Jeffrey Archer - more like the old Gyles Brandreth. It is a load of manure." Just as your self-worth is beginning to crumble, you discover a new way of getting your book published - by pretending it has been turned down on the personal orders of Rupert "KRM" Murdoch! Yes, any other publisher will take a book spurned by Murdoch! Just think of the dust jacket: "The book that Murdoch wouldn't dare print!" And we can do it for you, for just 5 per cent of the gross profit!

HAVE YOUR OWN DIARIES

PERSONALLY GHOSTED FOR YOU

BY ALAN CLARK MP!

Alan Clark went to court to stop the Evening Standard running a fake diary by him. He won. This means something. It means that here is a man who genuinely cares about the authenticity of the written word. Who better than him to get to write your own diary, using his own lavish experience! YOU send us your personal experiences, HE will rewrite them for you in his own inimitable style. Or if it isn't him, it's someone so close to his inimitable style it makes no difference!

A signed copy of Melvyn Bragg's new book, "The Evolution of DIY, or, Why Screws Go Clockwise and Not Anti-Clockwise, and What is Clockwise Anyway?"

The fascination of Melvyn Bragg with science is well known - you have almost certainly bought his latest book On Giants' Shoulders, about great scientists of the past - but not so well known is his interest in technology, culminating in this, his very first book about DIY. In it he poses the great questions of our time, such as "Did God intend round pins or square pins?", "Did God intend screw-in bulbs or bayonet fittings?", "What do we actually mean when we say God?" and "Is a woman's place in the Homebase?"

Send large stamped addressed envelope NOW for full list of other media mart attractions!