After three miscarriages, trying to have a baby is terrifying

People often ask if I’m going to have another child. I can only say "I hope so". "Trying" means a whole different thing after pregnancy loss. It means feeling terrified, of the unknown and of bad news, not the joy you normally associate with a baby.

After a textbook pregnancy and birth with my son Sam, I was pregnant for the second time in August 2013. I got a positive test in the morning and went out that afternoon to buy an entire maternity wardrobe, everything seemed so perfect. By the end of September I had miscarried. When the spotting started I knew straight away what was happening. The midwife tried to reassure me but I’d felt a drop in my pregnancy symptoms and, five days after the bleeding began, a scan showed I had lost the baby at around five weeks. I was sent home where I lay in bed, then everything came away when I went to the toilet in two massive clots as my womb emptied. My legs turned to jelly and when we arrived back at the hospital my husband had to carry me in.

My biggest feeling was absolute disbelief. I just couldn’t believe it had happened to us. I felt I wanted to start trying again very quickly and by March 2014 I was pregnant again, but a couple of days after that positive test I started to bleed. A scan discovered an ectopic pregnancy. The foetus had died early. Again there was that disbelief. I understood, from a medical perspective, that this tiny egg had stopped moving and I think that helped me understand my loss.

I was very lucky as my GP put me forward for a range of tests at a fertility centre. They looked at my hormones, thyroid and egg count, and did an X-ray of my womb and tubes, everything was absolutely fine. They said my fertility was high and though one tube meant it might take longer to get pregnant, there was no reason I shouldn’t conceive and carry another child.

We felt ready to try again in July 2014 and by April the following year I was pregnant, but I felt distant from it. I didn’t want to do a test because if it was positive, then I bled, it would be a miscarriage. Without it, it would just be a late period. Eventually I was seven weeks pregnant and in complete fear. My doctor encouraged me to take a test and, when it was positive, sent me for an early scan and there was our baby with its heart beating. Still, I was cautious, unable to hope.

A few weeks later I noticed an obvious drop in pregnancy symptoms and alarm bells started ringing. Blood tests showed a high level of pregnancy hormones but I was refused another early scan. At my nine-week midwife appointment I crumbled. "I can’t believe they’re making me come here when it’s not going to result in a baby." Later that evening there was blood. At the early pregnancy unit a few days later a scan showed the foetus had died at around seven weeks, in line with my symptom change. I was devastated and all of the optimism I’d taken from our test results just died. I’d seen a heartbeat and couldn’t believe it had gone. I needed a lot more medical intervention this time and was admitted to hospital. While there I said to my husband that we couldn’t go on allowing these losses to overtake our lives.

Now, our expectations are low, but we’re seeing what happens. "Trying" is a pressure after pregnancy loss, the word suggests potential failure. It’s too scary, too much. People need to understand that "Are you going to have another?" can be a very difficult question.

This piece first appeared as a blog for the Tommy's National Centre for Miscarriage Research.