I’m in love with a married man who says he’ll leave his wife

Dear Vix,

My boyfriend is the perfect man – he’s funny, kind, generous, affectionate and makes me feel like a rare and precious jewel when we are together. He’s a good few years older than me but we have the same taste in music, in films and can be silly or serious together. I know he loves me and would do anything for me… but there’s just one snag: he’s married.

He can’t leave right now because financially, things are tough – but he’s been putting money away each month in an “escape fund”. He also has kids – a daughter who’s too young to understand and a son who has disabilities. He knows how much it will affect them if he’s not at home. His wife isn’t interested – they haven’t been intimate in years, but he’s worried that she’ll want full custody of the kids. He loves me but he’s so frightened of losing his family.

The thing is, it’s been five years and being kept a ‘secret’ is really affecting my confidence and my mental health. I just want to be able to walk down the street holding hands with the man I love and stop spending all my wages driving for miles to stay at hotels at the other end of the country to be with him (we split the costs, but it’s difficult). He says he will leave when the time is right – and I believe him – but I’m worried that it will take so long that I’ll lose myself in the process. Please help.

Yours,

Lonely in love

Dear Lonely in love,

I’m going to say something you won’t want to hear, but that I know you know deep-down already: this man is not leaving his family.

I know it hurts, but you need to look at the evidence: five years, a paltry “escape fund” (and the clue is in the name: the only “escape” he’s getting is from his real life when he’s with you) – and the brutal fact that he simply hasn’t done it. And after five years, I highly doubt he’s going to. Why would he? He’s learned to manage it in a way that works out perfectly for him – a lovely security blanket at home and a girlfriend he can offer just enough crumbs to keep her waiting. He’s got it all. Why would he change a thing?

The mistake I think many people in your situation make is in assuming the person is ‘stuck’ in an unhappy relationship; that they “can’t leave” (and the excuse is usually children, or money, or an uncaring partner. Sadly for you, you’ve been sold a hat trick). But this man is not “stuck”. He is choosing to stay.

He is choosing to cheat on his wife and tick every single cliché off the greedy man bingo card while he does it. He is choosing not to be with you. He is choosing to keep you as his ‘bit on the side’ (though I bet he insists you’re not that… I bet he acts wounded and upset that you would ever think that he, a good man, would see you like that! You’re the love of his life! His soulmate! Things are just too difficult right now; you just need to be patient and understanding and give him a bit more time and stop pressuring him and he’ll figure it all out!) Right?

If he really loved you (or his wife), he would do the decent thing and leave you both while he goes and figures himself and his mess of a life out. The problem with men like this – selfish, weak, cowardly men – is that he won’t, because the only person he truly loves is himself.

But we are asking the wrong question, anyway. It’s not “why won’t he leave” – it’s why won’t you?

You say you love this man (and I’m sure he seems wonderful when you’re not seeing him at home every day, picking his pants up off the floor or arguing about the washing up) – but the real thorny and important issue here isn’t him, but you.

Answer me this: why don’t you love yourself more than to be some average man’s secret? Why do you feel you are only deserving of another woman’s husband? Why are you spending all this money on hotels, when you could be spending it on getting some decent therapy to sort out your woeful lack of self–esteem, which is the reason you’re accepting so little?

When we are willing to take the bare minimum from someone who doesn’t respect us or show up for us in all the myriad authentic, unsexy, gritty ways it takes to make a real relationship work, then we need to look inward.

This isn’t about you happening upon the “perfect man” who’s in a tricky situation. This isn’t about him at all (though I have plenty to say about men who lie, cheat, use women and bury their heads in the sand to avoid taking any accountability over their own lives).

This is about you going on a journey, now, to find the real love of your life: yourself. And to stop treating her (and allow her to be treated) like dirt. If you love “you” enough, you’ll walk away and never look back. Because one of you has to – it’s been five years. It sure as hell ain’t going to be him.

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