Brexit Border Bonus: Brussels is delivering exactly what we demanded with fingerprinting and facial biometrics

Perhaps you did not vote to Leave the European Union – or perhaps you did but are now having second thoughts? Keep the faith. Two years ago this month, the previous government proclaimed The Benefits of Brexit in a 105-page document.

So you didn’t have to, I delved deep into the brimming book of delights – which I called BoB for short – to identify all the travel highlights en route to the sunlit uplands we were promised.

As you will no doubt have observed, since leaving the EU we have acquired “a simpler, better railway”. The main rail unions, which campaigned enthusiastically for Brexit, can celebrate that undeniable fact along with us lucky passengers.

The government also asserted: “Brexit is enabling us to improve the experience of UK air travellers.” The key benefits hardly need spelling out, since the transformation has been so clear to us all. However, just to quote BoB, the airline passenger now enjoys:

Only a cynical old remainer would ungratefully suggest the exact opposite had happened. One aspect that BoB did not dwell upon is the wonders we have achieved with passports and frontier crossings. It is high time Leavers earned credit for each Brexit Border Bonus they have brought us.

We should celebrate the way that the Eurocrats in Brussels have caved into our demands for more red tape.

After the democratic vote to leave the European Union, Boris Johnson’s government made key demands on the EU. We insisted on becoming “third-country nationals”, standing shoulder-to-shoulder with the travelling folk of Venezuela, Tonga and Paraguay as we queue for passport control.

We secured the right to spend more time with our passports while waiting to be stamped in and out of the Schengen Area.

European frontier officials are obliged to scrutinise our impressive new “blue” passports while they calculate our ins and outs. That is because our newly acquired status as third-country nationals enables us to spend less time in the European Union. Surely everyone agrees that 90 days in any 180 days is more than enough to spend in Spain, France, Greece, etc?

The steadfast UK negotiators who trounced Michel Barnier in those talks have reinvented the golden years of the 1960s and 1970s: limiting the amount of interaction with Johnny Foreigner.

In those heady decades, the mechanism was the £50 limit on cash holidaymakers could take abroad. Today, it’s time, not money, that is restricted. British passport holders need no longer endure more than three months in a row in the EU. And anyone unfortunate enough to rack up all 90 thankless days in the EU is guaranteed three months’ respite away from the zone.

Another much-missed aspect of 20th-century life is returning as a Brexit Border Bonus: the thrill of sealed transport. Starting with the building of the Berlin Wall in 1961, trains running from West Germany via East Germany to West Berlin were sealed at the border.

The Iron Curtain has long since rusted away. But on 10 November this year – the day after the 35th anniversary of the fall of the Berlin Wall – the UK will bring back the concept of sealed transport. This time, it will apply to coach passengers at the Port of Dover.

The entry-exit system, which we successfully demanded must apply to us, is due to come into effect that day.

Every British traveller entering the EU will be fingerprinted and photographed. Some ungrateful people have complained that queues will become very much worse. But let us celebrate it properly as a festival of identity.

At the Eastern Docks of Dover, compressed between the White Cliffs and the Channel, there is not enough room for coach passengers to enjoy this salute to individuality. So instead the happy travellers will be processed in the old Western Docks and their conveyance sealed for the glorious drive from West to East Dover, a brief homage to the days of the DDR.

Once the entry-exit system is up and running, six months later, the final Brexit Border Bonus will come to fruition: the right to pay €7 (£6) and fill in an online form for an “Etias” before venturing into the twilight zone of the European Union.

In the grand old days of Imperial Russia, visiting Brits were obliged to announce their travel plans in the pages of the Saint Petersburg Gazette.

We can look forward to the 21st-century equivalent of letting those continentals know we’re on the way. Rejoice.

Simon Calder, also known as The Man Who Pays His Way, has been writing about travel for The Independent since 1994. In his weekly opinion column, he explores a key travel issue – and what it means for you.