Waiting in the wings: Fantasy film roles for the stars of football
Your support helps us to tell the story
From reproductive rights to climate change to Big Tech, The Independent is on the ground when the story is developing. Whether it's investigating the financials of Elon Musk's pro-Trump PAC or producing our latest documentary, 'The A Word', which shines a light on the American women fighting for reproductive rights, we know how important it is to parse out the facts from the messaging.
At such a critical moment in US history, we need reporters on the ground. Your donation allows us to keep sending journalists to speak to both sides of the story.
The Independent is trusted by Americans across the entire political spectrum. And unlike many other quality news outlets, we choose not to lock Americans out of our reporting and analysis with paywalls. We believe quality journalism should be available to everyone, paid for by those who can afford it.
Your support makes all the difference.Eric Cantona
Role
Enigmatic fisherman-artist-poet who knows where the nets are
Movie
Eric de Florette, a pastoral romance
Love
interest
Emanuelle Beart, who plays a Parisian Nike executive seeking to sponsor Eric's
hi-tech lace-up boat
Plot
summary
Eric is ostracised by his
village when he kicks to death a haddock that had given him a funny look
Sample line
"Les sardines de Provence sont belles ce soir"
Paul Gascoigne
Hurtz, an emotionally delicate and frequently injured old soldier
Apocalypse Waiting To Happen, probably a few minutes into the European Championship final
A bottle of Newcastle Brown Ale
Hurtz, summoned from obscurity into the heat of battle, clogs an opponent, hurts his leg and bursts into tears
"The horror, the horror... Givvus a crisp"
Andrea Silenzi
Huge-conked romantic failure
Cyrano of the City Ground, the tale of a striker with no nose for goal
Isabelle Adjani, who plays a Nottingham-based accountant trying to work out why Forest spent so much money on a human bench-warmer
Cyrano is a supposedly renowned seducer who talks a good game but finds it embarrassingly difficult to score
"Whoops, missed again"
Alan Hansen
James Bond
Never Say Nevin Again
Maryam D'Abo, who plays Desmond Lynam
Bond tackles a Maldini, who is shaken but not stirred
"You've got a great left peg, Blofeld, but you were way too slow moving from deep"
Les Ferdinand
Warrior-prince riven with jealousy
Offsido, a Shakespearean tragedy
Goals, an elusive mistress
Convinced that his lieutenant, Faustino, has poached the love of his life, Goals, Offsido shoots him with his own musket
"Who steals my purse, steals trash/ Who steals my Goals is somewhat rash"
Join our commenting forum
Join thought-provoking conversations, follow other Independent readers and see their replies
Comments