No good can come of footballers' efforts to turn into pop stars

You have to feel for Mark Morrison. There he is, at the top of the pop charts with the wholly respectable "Return of the Mack" thinking that it will take a pretty tasty number to knock him off his perch, when midweek sales returns indicate that the song which will dislodge him this Sunday is "Move, Move, Move (The Red Tribe)," the Manchester United FA Cup final song. As ignominies go, this is the equivalent of Peter Schmeichel letting in, at the Stretford End, a bobbling mis-hit toe-poke unleashed by Damon Albarn. Footballers should stick to their day jobs, precedent suggests no good can come of their efforts to turn into pop stars.

"Move, Move, Move (The Red Tribe)", written and recorded by Pete "Hit Man" Waterman, is hyperbolically described by the record company responsible as "a fast-paced dance track with fiery lyrics". A fast-paced scam to fill the coffers of the players' pool more like. That has always been the way, ever since FA Cup final songs first appeared in the Seventies: players shuffle reluctantly along to a recording studio, indulge in a bit of painfully out-of-tune communal singing and turn up later miming in an embarrassed fashion on Top Of The Pops. It is the process by which a brain-dead dirge moves from the larynx of the players, via the record decks of the fans, back into the pockets of the team without passing through the brain of anyone.

Jim Phelan, the mastermind behind the splendid Bend It series of football albums, has made something of a study of Cup final songs; an unpleasant task, and one you suspect no one is going to thank him for. In his opinion, there has never been a decent effort in the history of the genre, not one release that could qualify as musically worthwhile.

"I think the very worst has to be 'Go For It', Coventry 1987," he says. "It was sung out of tune, which is just as well as it was a dreadful tune to start with. The only time Coventry have ever got to the final, you'd think they'd come up with something better."

Contrary to popular conception, the first Cup final song was not "Blue Is The Colour". Released two years after their 1970 triumph over Leeds, to coincide with a European match with Real Madrid, this song nevertheless became recognised as a celebration of the era's most glamorous team. Back then, while Leeds relaxed with carpet bowls and bingo, Chelsea players would take their minds off the game by balancing a dolly bird on each shoulder. No wonder they fancied themselves as pop stars.

Dirge though "Blue Is The Colour" was, at least it was an original tune. Phelan has discovered that most of the subsequent releases indulged in a bit of what is technically known as copsasis. Or, in less euphemistic terms, plagiarism.

"Basically, they nicked a tune that was already around and added new lyrics to it," he says. "Or in the case of 'I'm Forever Blowing Bubbles', West Ham 1975, not even bothering to change them." Thus we have suffered over the years Arsenal's "Roll Out The Red Carpet" (1978) and "Good Old Arsenal" (1971), Crystal Palace's "Glad All Over" (1990) and, most bizarrely of all, "Onward Sexton's Soldiers", Manchester United's reworking of the hymn in 1979.

In the Eighties, however, Cup final songs took an unprecedented turn for the bad with the involvement of the celebrity fan. Spurs were the first to show, roping in their two hirsute supporters, Chas 'n' Dave. "Ossie's Dream" was their first attempt in 1981, a reworking of the conga theme in which we were delivered of the news that "Ossie's going to Wembley, his knees have gone all trembly," and the eponymous Mr Ardiles claimed he couldn't wait to be at the twin towers "in the Cup with Tottingham''.

Not content with that, the chirpy Cockney piano bashers were wheeled out the following year, when, at the height of the Falklands War, an Argentinian theme was wisely avoided. Instead, they exacerbated their rhyme crime of the year before with the couplet: "Tottenham, Tottenham/ No one can stop 'em/ They're Gonna Do It Like They Did Last Year".

In 1988, in a vain effort to update the whole sorry history of the art- form, Craig Johnston wrote and produced "The Anfield Rap". Unfortunately, the inventor of the Predator boot appeared to be more at home in the footwear factory than the recording studio, and the song was all over the place, about as likely to find its target as John Aldridge's penalty in the match itself.

Maybe it is simply nostalgia, but Status Quo's pitiful "C'Mon You Reds" notwithstanding, my favourite FA Cup final song was one of the first, dating from back in 1975. I can't remember how "Viva El Fulham" went, but the name of the band responsible will remain in the memory forever as perhaps the most unfortunate nom de musique in the history of popular culture: take a bow, Tony Rees and The Cottagers. With back-up like that, it is no wonder, on the big day, the Fulham players took their eyes off the ball.