Mike Rowbottom: Conflicting messages as Dyer muddies the midfield picture

This nice spring weather brings out the best in people, don't you find? Puts a smile on their faces. And brings them out wearing less than they might otherwise wear. Females too. Some of them without jerseys on, in all this nice, warm sunshine with the sudden cool breezes.

OK, let's get to the point here. Walking back from school this week – as a parent, silly – I have become aware of conflicting messages. They say: "Vive le fcuk'', "Hello, boys'' , "Talk to my face, we're not listening'' and they are carried on the fronts of T-shirts on female fronts. Not that I've been staring, but it is sometimes hard not to notice.

I'm wondering what these messages are about. Who is supposed to be reading them? These are mums picking up their children from school, and I'm sorry but I don't quite get it. Effectively, they are walking around with notices demanding: "Look at my breasts!'' or "Don't look at these! These! Don't look at these!''

While we're on the subject of breasts – sorry, conflicting messages – I can't help but mention Kieron Dyer. The hyper-active Newcastle midfielder was one of those selected for England press conference duty this week in the anonymous environs of the Elstree Moat House (A1, opposite the golf driving range). He brought a characteristic verve to the proceedings, but by the time he had finished speaking, his position was anything but clear.

Dyer maintained he was only fully comfortable as an attacking central midfielder, but immediately heaped praise on to Paul Scholes, insisting he was England's best option in that role. Dyer then accepted that the only midfield position which remained open in the national team was the one on the left-hand side, and insisted he would require an extended run in that position to have a decent chance of accommodating to it. Immediately, however, he added that there was no chance of his club manager, Sir Bobby Robson, offering him such an opportunity.

After going on to enthuse over the prospects of two rivals for the left-hand position, his team-mate, Jermaine Jenas and Liverpool's Danny Murphy, Dyer concluded with an awestruck assessment of his new England colleague, the precociously talented Wayne Rooney. The thing is, though, that if Rooney is chosen up front, alongside Michael Owen, it may well mean Emile Heskey dropping back – into the left midfield position.

Clearly, Dyer wants to play regularly for England. But his words only seemed to make that prospect more vexed. If and when he does turn out for his country, he should be given the squad number 22. As in Catch-22.

Alongside the podium on which Dyer sat there stood a giant notepad on an easel. And as he laboured to produce a clear picture of his own international ambition, his confused position was mirrored by diagrams which had been marker-penned on to the conference tool by playful members of Her Majesty's Press. "Wilko's England'' was depicted by several long arrows pointing towards the words "big lad'', while "Terry's England'' involved an intricate mass of short arrows pointing north, south, east and west. "Keegan's England'' consisted of a long, expletive-filled quote which concluded with the words "I'm f******* off''.

Sven's England had clearly resisted characterisation, although in the light of their last match an image of 11 arrows replacing 11 might have been apposite. Eriksson has been widely castigated for his all-change approach to last month's friendly against Australia, with Fifa's top man, Sepp Blatter, being the latest Mr Angry to insist it had undermined the competitive value of a fixture which fans had paid good money to watch.

Even though his sphere of operation concerned athletics rather than football, Michael Johnson would have understood the Fifa president's argument.

The former Olympic 200 and 400 metres champion was in London this week to help announce the nominees for the 2003 Laureus World Sports Awards, of whom Rooney, in the best newcomer category, is one.

Inevitably, Johnson was pressed on the topic of Britain's other nominee, Paula Radcliffe, and while he readily acknowledged her great achievements in a year when no one had been remotely able to resist her strength and endurance, he demurred at the idea that her successes would generate huge new interest in the 10,000 metres event. "The whole thing of being a major draw is to have great competition between athletes,'' Johnson said. "That's what drives the sport. Even if Paula runs world records every month this season, it's not the same thing.''

Which is all fine and good. But this judgement came from a man who selfishly remained unbeaten over one lap, from 1990 to 1997, during which time he earned 58 consecutive wins. He even, after winning one of his nine world titles, ran a lap of honour in a Superman T-shirt. (Look at my bests!)

So there it is. Michael Johnson – by his own reckoning, bad for athletics. It's all very confusing.