Football: The Sweeper

Shayler: I'm no `smog chomper'

MIDDLESBROUGH FAN and former MI5 agent David Shayler has admitted that it was only Boro's capacity for "snatching defeat from the jaws of victory," and "good old fashioned superstition" which prevented him from wearing a Boro shirt at his court hearing in France recently, when he successfully fought the British Government's plea for his extradition.

His plan was to tear off his outer shirt, Superman style to reveal a Boro away top ("I was playing away from home") upon hearing the court's verdict, but changed his mind at the last moment.

Had it followed last week's unscheduled win by Bryan Robson's side at Old Trafford he might have thought differently.

Instead he wore the top when released from La Sante prison as a way of thanking those fans who had supported him throughout his ordeal. He was, though, somewhat irked by a letter he received while in prison from the Independent Manchester United Supporters Association, who had heard he was a "smog chomper".

"They even had the cheek to ask me if I was a Johnny-cum-lately-glory- seeking Boro fan because I haven't got a Teeside accent," he said. "Imagine that, being accused of being a glory-seeker by a Man Utd fan. I think that shocked me more than my arrest, imprisonment and subsequent release put together."

CLUTCHING A piece of paper in his hand, Neville Chamberlain promised anything but "peace for our time" for the poor opposition defenders of the Hanley and District League last week. The former Stoke winger-cum- striker, now player-joint manager of Birches Head Gardeners, was holding the freshly-signed registration form of his brother, Mark, whose pace once dazzled the great Brazilians themselves. As come-downs go, the Maracana stadium to a recreation pitch in the Potteries is a drop of heaven-to- earth proportions, but the Chamberlains - Neville is 38, Mark 37 - are just happy to be reunited for the first time since they were players together at the old Victoria Ground 15 years ago.

SHOULD PAOLO Di Canio's strained relationship with Sheffield Wednesday and English football in general lead, as expected, to a move abroad he could do worse than consider Brazil. Not only would his flair be appreciated in the home of the beautiful game but so, too, would his not-so-beautiful temperament, because in Brazil it's not just referees who get assaulted but also players - by referees.

In a recent tense championship quarter-final between Corinthians and Gremio, most of the rough stuff came from the referee, Marcio Rezende de Freitas. He shouted and argued with players and when two of them clashed he literally collared the pair of them, yanking them towards him by the scruff of their shirts. And when a third player approached, he saw him off with a Di Canio-style shove in the chest. Come to think of it, a dose of his own medicine might do the errant Italian some good.

GIANT KILLERS they may be, but Conference club Rushden & Diamonds have decided they may be better off with a Goliath on their side if they are to defeat David next Saturday in their classic FA Cup third round encounter with David O'Leary's Leeds United. Hence the decision to sign 6ft 7in American Ian Feuer following injuries to their two first-choice keepers. Furthermore, he is this young club's first international signing, his "19 minutes of fame" coming against Morocco in Casablanca six years ago. Feuer, who has had past spells with West Ham, Luton and Peterborough, is the latest in a long line of American goalkeepers to come to these shores - a case perhaps, of many are called, Feuer are chosen.

DESPITE WIDESPREAD objections towards the appointment of the untried David Platt as "coach" of Sampdoria, not everyone has been critical of his selection. The former England coach Don Howe is in no doubt that Platt possesses the right credentials to be a success. He also points out that his old playmate Bobby Robson has gone on record several times as saying that he wished he had managed abroad before managing in England. As for coming in at the top, David O'Leary said only last week that he thought there was nothing to be gained by starting at the bottom, and would, no doubt, endorse the former Highbury man's appointment. Particularly if Platt takes Lee Sharpe off his hands.

STEPPING UP from the dressing room to the manager's office has always been one of football's trickier career moves, but David O'Leary seems to have negotiated it less awkwardly than most since succeeding George Graham as Leeds manager last month. No longer "one of the lads", he is now afforded proper respect by players like Dutch striker Jimmy Floyd Hasselbaink, who has ceased to call him "Paddy". Instead he now calls him "Paddy Gaffer".

CHELSEA'S LAST Championship success may have been as long ago as 1954- 55 but it would be a mistake to suggest that they therefore don't know what it takes to win one. No fewer than nine of the current first-team squad have won championships in other countries, and there is a tenth in the reserves. Who are they and what teams were they titlists with? The first all-correct answer to be sent or faxed (0171 293 2894) wins a bottle of something festive. Answer next week. Merry Christmas, one and all.

Goalposts Of Christmas Past

Five famous matches played on 25 December

CHRISTMAS DAY 1894

Bolton beat Liverpool 1-0, a defeat that helped send Liverpool down to the Second Division come 1895.

CHRISTMAS DAY 1912

Manchester United won 4-1 at Chelsea. United finished the season fourth, and the Blues 18th of 20.

CHRISTMAS DAY 1914

English and German soldiers stopped fighting the First World War to play football in no man's lands. It cannot be confirmed the Germans won on penalties, but recent history suggests they probably did.

CHRISTMAS DAY 1946

Barnsley drew 4-4 with Southampton at Barnsley. Some claim it was the last excitement either side has given their fans over a festive period. They drew again the next day, 1-1, in Southampton.

CHRISTMAS DAY 1959

Blackburn won 1-0 at home to Blackpool in 1959, the last year football was routinely played on Christmas Day at the highest level in England.

As You Were

COULD THIS possibly be the Best footballing Santa Claus ever (above) asking a young Michael Owen: "Are you sure you want a pair of football boots for Christmas, sonny? Wouldn't you rather have a six-pack of strong lager and a little black book full of beauty queens' names? I know a thing or two about football genius, and that's what you're after." By George, it most certainly isn't. Firstly, Liverpool's Wunderkind wasn't born until 1979, a good few years after the picture was taken. Secondly, no-one can imagine George Best (today, left) ever recommending just the one six-pack. And thirdly, the youngster on Santa's knee is actually Calum, his son.

MY TEAM

Father Christmas

GSS Nuuk

Chief Yuletide gift-giver, northern hemisphere

"GSS Nuuk, my local team in Greenland, are hoping to play in the Greenland Champions' League next season, providing their squad are old enough. Most of the team are children - although they're still bigger than Liverpool's back three - but they still have a popular following. We rarely have any crowd trouble, although there was a nasty incident last season when some visiting Innuit fans had a bit of a run-in with a couple of my reindeer outside the ground in a dispute over who had the reddest hooter."

The price is right

A GOAL away from more glory last week, but there's plenty of ammo left in the locker. Manchester United have two hopes (Bob Hope and no hope) of beating Internazionale in the European Cup, but hapless Nottingham Forest are more their cup of tea and the Red Devils and Wimbledon (home to doomed Charlton) can provide the linchpins for some four-timers. Sick of forecasting the home win, draw, or away win outcome of live games only to do our dough when correct scores and first goalscorers elude us, The Price Is Right is henceforth taking advantage of the single bet facility. So get on Aston Villa to beat Blackburn in tonight's sell-your-soul-for- a-satellite-dish clash on Murdochvision. And Arsenal, with a full strength squad again, are worth a title flutter.

n LIBERO WAGERS

(15 x pounds 1 four timers with William Hill): Coventry to draw with Tottenham (11-5); Everton to draw with Derby (9-4); Manchester United to beat Nottingham Forest (2-5); Newcastle to draw with Leeds (9-4); Sheffield Wednesday to draw with Leicester (9-4); Wimbledon to beat Charlton (8-11).

n BOXING DAY SKY MATCH

Blackburn v Aston Villa

Aston Villa (pounds 2 at 5-4, William Hill & Stanley).

n ANTE-POST ACTION

Arsenal to win Premiership (pounds 3 at 5-1, Coral & William Hill.)

ORIGINAL BANK: pounds 100.

CURRENT KITTY: pounds 115.43!

TODAY'S BETS: pounds 21.80 (including pounds 1.80 tax paid on).

THE SWEEPER'S BOXING DAY BANKERS

IN T'NET

Found on the Web: Quotes from 1998 and before

"To play Holland, you have to play the Dutch." - Ruud Gullit talks sexy footballs.

"England now have three fresh men, with three fresh legs." - Jimmy Hill talks maths.

"There's Bergkamp standing on the halfway line, with his hands on his hips, flailing his arms about." - John Scales talks about the Netherlands' octopus.

"[Phil Neville] was treading on dangerous water there." - Ron Atkinson talks mixed metaphors.

"The Croatians don't play well without the ball." - Barry `The Hair' Venison talks tactics.

http://www.geocities.com/SouthBeach/Palms/6687/pundits.html

Seen But Not Bought

NEWCASTLE UNITED'S Premier Collection Xmas Hamper (price pounds 205.00, what a bargain) has all manner of NUFC booze, tea bags and other stuff in it, not to mention some lumps of Wensleydale cheese. For the devoted Magpie, however, a better bet might be a pack of 24 NUFC Christmas cards, bearing such wildly amusing slogans as "Ha'way in a manger" and "Santa is a Geordie." Buy now for next year. Or not.