Fishing Lines: The sport with stings attached

IF YOU believe everything you read in the more lurid newspapers, South Coast beaches should have been sealed off this summer - because of a two-inch fish. An invasion of weever fish is supposed to have terrified paddlers from Swanage to Selsey, with the Bournemouth area particularly ravaged by the unpleasant little blighters.

One report quoted the Sea Life Centre in Portsmouth as saying: 'They are the most venomous creatures in Europe, in the same league as adders. If they sting a frail old person or a baby, it can mean death.'

That must have had them choking over their Complan. But I think it's just a bit of scaremongering to get them into the Sea Life Centre instead of dozing on the beach. It's true that Bournemouth, where shops offer a better selection of colostomy bags than handbags, is the geriatric equivalent of the elephants' graveyard. But I can't see how pensioners were in any danger. Most of them have lived that long precisely by not doing stupid things like paddling in the sea. And when did you last see a baby splashing in the surf?

In fact, it's fishermen who are in the greatest danger from weevers. Inshore trawlermen catching flatfish or shrimps generally soil their catch wearing gloves when there is the danger of weever lurking among more benign creatures. Anglers, particularly youngsters, can easily get a nasty sting if they are unaware of the fish's poisonous spines. But to my knowledge, nobody has ever been killed by a weever.

The fish is well named. Its Latin monicker is trachinus vipera, and though I haven't been bitten by an adder, I can confirm that the lesser weever packs a powerful dose of nerve poison. Most regular anglers know to beware of the six spines in its black dorsal fin, but I got pricked by a small spike on the gill cover and that's venomous too. The remedy is to soak the affected area in very hot water as soon as possible, which eases but does not take away the pain. It was like being stung by a foot-long wasp.

Weevers live buried in the sand, waiting to gobble up unwary shrimps or small fish. The greater weever, which can grow up to 2lb, is a rarer sight because it prefers deeper water, up to 100 metres, but the lesser variety moves in and out with the tide. I once discovered a weever buried in damp sand, above the tideline. They are a dull brown, with a grumpy face that looks like Patrick Moore on Games Master. Weevers seem more active at night, so think twice about that midnight dip.

Weevers are generally reckoned the only poisonous fish around our coast, but there are others. Sea scorpions, which Anton Mosimann describes as 'an essential ingredient for bouillabaisse', have big heads and lots of spikes, some of which are venomous. We often caught them off Southend Pier as kids. Knowing nothing of their culinary qualities (weevers are supposed to be good eating too), but having that innate sense for bad news, we either cut the line or squidged them with lemonade bottles. The star gazer, similar to a weever, is occasionally caught around our coast. As well as having poison glands, this fish can give you an electric shock of about 50 volts.

But generally, it's the harmless species that cause most damage. Fish like bass have razorblades built into their gill plates. If you handle them carelessly, these will slice your hand like a craft knife. Skate such as thornbacks have needle-like blotches on their backs (hence the name) while the shark-like spurdog, or common spiny dogfish, has a sharp spike in front of both its dorsal fins.

Enthusiasm for sub-tropical summers might be more muted if such weather brings in some of the less wholesome fish. And it is not an unrealistic thought. In recent years, more triggerfish, a Mediterranean species, have been caught than at any time in the last century.

The one that really would scare those old dears on the Bournemouth sea front is the notorious stonefish. This little charmer, most common around the Australian coast, is the stuff of nightmares. It has a huge head and mouth and a warty blotched body that blends perfectly into the seabed. It even allows weeds and anemones to grow on its skin to aid camouflage. This makes them very hard to spot which is something you need to do because stonefish have the most potent of all fish venoms. A sting is often lethal and its spines are so strong that they can penetrate beach shoes. Even carpet slippers and another layer of surgical hose won't save you.