Fishing Lines: Mystery of the razor with a cutting edge

YOU CAN tell it's August. It's that time of year when killer sharks appear at Brighton, killer razorfish attack the Torbay grockles and killer weevers are stabbing paddlers at Cromer. It always happens just as the weather takes an upward turn and it looked safe to go back into the water. Fortunately, these marine monsters may not be all they seem.

According to one national newspaper, "scores of holiday makers were left temporarily paralysed" after treading on weever fish this week. The paper advised: "Anyone bitten should go to hospital." Good advice, that, though there's little chance of a weever doing such damage, because it has a tiny underslung mouth and its bite is about as dangerous as a money spider's.

The weever is our only poisonous fish, though scientists still haven't puzzled out why it needs venom glands when it buries itself all day. Its looks alone would scare most predators away. Weevers are dull sandy-brown, with a face like Peggy Mount. Venom glands in its small black dorsal fin and its gill covers are probably just to sting paddling tourists for scaring away the weever's lunch. Its teeth, I can promise, are venom-free - unless global warming has produced some new strain of super-weever.

Having been jabbed once, I can confirm that a weever sting is a lot worse than a wasp. The name is derived from an Anglo-saxon word meaning a viper, which gives you some clue. Its sting contains a nerve poison. Knowing the venom has never killed anyone is scarcely a comfort when your hand doubles in size and feels as if a truck has run over it. You can understand a 2ft snake's bite hurting a bit, but it's quite a shock when the stab from a 1in fish (though they grow to more than 2lb) causes the same reaction. Nasty blighters, but they rarely venture into paddling depth, generally doing their lurking in water at least 5ft deep.

Anglers catch them mostly while netting sandeels or prawns for bait. I'm generally an avowed conservationist, but have to confess that I remove weevers from a net with a set of industrial pliers. In the marine hierarchy, they seem as useful as mosquitoes.

If you are heading to Cromer and points east this weekend to partake of the waters, you can still enjoy those sun-kissed beaches. Just wear a pair of shoes if you're worried about being weevered. And if you get stung, soak the wound in very hot water. Finally, if you catch one of the little horrors, you may want to get revenge by following the French example and eating them. I'm told they are a delicacy - as long as you remove the poison glands.

By all accounts, the remedy of wearing shoes has already saved thousands of Devon holidaymakers from having their feet severed by hordes of deadly razor-fish. However, I detect the fevered brain of a tabloid journalist, inspired to invention by that dangerous name, at work here.

Razorfish are ill-named. They are actually shellfish, and their name comes about because the half-shell looks like a cut-throat razor. Anyone trying to shave with one would do a better job using their fingernails.

Most seasiders never see razorfish, which live in burrows 18in deep on the edge of the low-tide mark. You can spot a razor's basement flat by the keyhole-shaped entrance. Using a powerful muscle, or foot, they burrow with surprising speed. They are highly sensitive to vibrations so they have usually burrowed deep before paddlers get anywhere near.

Fish, especially bass and cod, love 'em. Anglers can dig them up with a fork or pour cooking salt down their burrows (amazingly, it works even though razorfish live in the sea), but the classic way to catch them is with a barbed razorfish spear. This looks like a weapon used by hobbits. You push it down, twist and, if all goes well, the spear head jams into a razor's shell.

Quite why this retiring bivalve suddenly metamorphosed into the Torbay Terror is mystifying. Very low tides uncovering the razor's homes have been blamed, but more puzzling is why hundreds of people should cut their feet. When a shell breaks, the jagged ends can be very sharp, but mussel shells and barnacles are just as sharp, and anyone who has trodden on a sea urchin would never complain about a razorfish cut.

I suppose it's a good job those Brighton sharks and the New Forest mink weren't in the area when it all happened. Then we really would have had a bloodbath.