Fishing Lines: Guest in the dog house

THE magnificent A Passion for Angling series on BBC 2 came within a dog's whisker of causing me untold embarrassment this week. I'm not blaming Hugh Miles, whose magnificent photography has produced the best fishing films ever seen on television. (In France, they have even caused a Sunday evening exodus to Normandy, I hear, because locals can pick up BBC 2 on their televisions.)

Nor am I blaming the riparian owner who so generously offered me a couple of days' salmon fishing. The trouble was that, with the rest of the family away, I was looking after the dogs.

The activities of my two hooligan springer spaniels have been well-documented. There was the pond incident, the three-legged cat, the naan bread and worst of all, the tale of the free-range chickens that ranged too far. Let's draw a veil over those.

My office took the salmon invitation. 'I am sure he would love to come, but he's looking after the dogs this week,' the owner was told.

'Never mind, he can bring them along. I'm sure he saw the episode in A Passion for Angling where a dog retrieves the chap's trout. Springers, you say? Keith can try it on my salmon.' And so the office innocently accepted an invitation that could have led to me being banned from the north of England, never mind one of Scotland's best salmon rivers.

I was horrified to discover that Bracken and Ginger had been invited, too. Unlike Bob James's dog, Rapps, in the TV programme, the pair are incapable of sitting attentively on the bankside. Individually, they are just controllable. Together, they are Pol Pot and Genghis Khan.

Unfortunately, my host was incommunicado. He had gone fishing and his daughter didn't know where. 'We're looking forward to your arrival,' she said. Oh, God.

It's not that they are necessarily disobedient, just impatient. The idea of sitting quietly waiting for something to happen (and in salmon fishing, it rarely does) is anathema. They would rather be flushing rabbits, chasing squirrels or swimming. Activities not usually associated with the hallowed pursuit of salmon.

I've tried nailing them to the bank with those corkscrew-like devices that are supposed to be tough enough to pin down a buffalo. My dogs either tear them out of the ground, or slowly strangle themselves by twisting the lead until it is about three inches long, their tongues hanging out and their eyes bulging.

But left unfettered, they have an awful habit which makes them impossible even as country house guests, especially those with formal gardens. Next week I'll tell you about it, and what happened about the invitation.

A Passion for Angling continues on BBC 2 at 6.10pm today. An excellent book of the series (BBC Books, pounds 16.99) has already reached No 6 in the non-fiction charts.