Atherton stands; alone on the sinking ship

The Sowetan Brass Band provided England with non-stop musical accompaniment yesterday, a symbolic reminder that no other country approaches impending doom with more starch in the upper lip. As the holder of a history degree, Michael Atherton will recall that the band also played on when the Titanic went down.

The captain of this barnacle-hulled tub of a cricket team will also be aware that at 167 for 4, England still require a further 312 runs to make the 479 that will represent the highest ever total to win a Test match. Impossible? Fear not. They may not make history today, but as no other side gives itself more chances to make impossible winning totals, it can only be a matter of time.

On the other hand, history does not suggest that they will do it here. The highest fourth-innings total made in a Test match at the Wanderers is 261, and the highest winning total batting last here is, believe it or not, 1 for 0.

However, one record England already have. Right from the moment they picked four seamers and chose to bat first on Thursday morning, no side can ever have got more things wrong in one game. This thought even occurred watching the team doctor busily signing autographs outside the dressing- room. If the spectators mistook him for a cricketer, there were a few others they could have made the same mistake with.

Leaving aside the complete porridge he made over the toss, Atherton the batsman (82 not out in close on five hours of heroic resistance) is utterly exempt from criticism. If Atherton goes cheaply, England fall apart, and when he does not, England simply take a bit longer to fall apart.

Atherton now knows, if he did not already, how Graham Gooch used to feel when he was captain. Gooch did not always shuffle around with the gait of a Notre Dame bell ringer - the stoop only became really pronounced from carrying England's batting on his back.

This was the 35th time in 99 Test innings that Atherton has passed fifty, but if he thrives - as Gooch did - on responsibility and the big occasion, others appear to shrivel. Sadly, that now appears to be the epitaph for Mark Ramprakash, as it will require - for all his talent - a remarkable act of faith for England to persevere with him after yesterday's second- ball duck.

It is difficult (Dominic Cork excepted) to be any kinder about the bowlers - leaving aside the issue as to whether the right ones were playing. South Africa's top six is arguably as ordinary a line- up as any in Test cricket, and yet here they are setting targets of 479.

In the circumstances, it is something of an irony that an Englishman should come away from this match with a feat unparalleled in 118 years of Test cricket. However, statistics and damned lies are occasionally close together, and although Jack Russell's achievement of 11 catches in the match (watched, incidentally, by the previous record holder, Bob Taylor) was remarkable, Russell will not recall his general wicketkeeping here with any special fondness.

Another man watching was Ian Botham, off whom Taylor took eight of his 10 catches in the Jubilee Test in Bombay 15 years ago, and who England have never come close to adequately replacing at No 6. However, while Cork will never be Botham's equal as a batsman, he is the only reason that England are still not without hope in the three remaining Test matches.

In terms of bringing aggression to his cricket, Cork is not dissimilar to Brian McMillan, whose unbeaten century yesterday morning effectively made certain that England could not win. And it was McMillan who more or less made certain - assuming the weather stays out of the argument - that England would lose.

Alec Stewart tried manfully to curb his aggressive instincts during an opening partnership of 75 with Atherton, but eventually could not resist a full-length ball from McMillan and lost his middle stump driving without due care and attention.

Ramprakash's innings was no less awful for its brevity. His first ball hit him on the pad, and his second defeated an off drive only slightly less desperate than the poor lad's state of mind. He is rated by his peers as the best natural batsman in England, and yet at this level, opponents must feel they can bowl him out with a mango.

If Atherton was bemused by this latest failure, his expression when Graham Thorpe came in and began batting as though there were five overs left in an Axa Equity and Law game was pretty close to priceless. It was as unbelievable as watching David Gower apparently attempting (and finally succeeding) to give catching practice in the last over before lunch at Adelaide in 1991.

Thorpe, to his credit, finally got his head down, although to such an extent that the major cause of his dismissal may have been rigor mortis. Having scored one single in 75 minutes, Thorpe was beaten by Meyrick Pringle's beautiful late inswinger to the left-hander.

Graeme Hick was then caught behind to provide Allan Donald with his 100th Test wicket, and although Robin Smith survived to the close, he will not be entirely sure how. Atherton, apart from edging Donald just short of the slips when 57, continued to demonstrate that this remains a perfectly playable pitch, but as he is unable to bat at both ends today, England are about to hand the opposition their customary 1-0 start.