Tom Peck's Sketch: How to make a song and dance of the anthem debate

Does England need its own national anthem? Isn’t that the sort of thing that only gilet-wearing, “Sweet Chariot”-chanting, hip flask-touting, idiots care about?

No, it is a pressing matter of national concern, which is why Labour’s Toby Perkins, a former semi-professional rugby player and part-time rugby kit salesman, kindly brought it to the attention of Parliament.

It was only a Ten Minute Rule Bill, which are meant to take up only 10 minutes of Parliamentary time, and are certainly not meant to be preceded by a three-hour long introduction, in this case in the form of a white van driving in a loop around Parliament Square all morning, blaring “Jerusalem” out of a loudspeaker.

“I am neither a republican nor an atheist, and nor am I am English nationalist,” Perkins began, the BUT suddenly as inevitable as in a Nicki Minaj video. “But when England play against other home nations on the football or rugby field, I often find it incongruous that while the Welsh and Scots sing an anthem that reflects the identity of their nations, England sings about Britain.”

Which is true, at least insofar as England has long omitted that awkward sixth verse about “Rebellious Scots to Crush.” Perhaps putting it back in is the answer.

No. This was not about English nationalism, this was about “re-establishing the distinct identities of the four countries that make up the United Kingdom”, which you may think is not a matter of great importance. But Perkins insisted that he had been called upon to “speak to radio stations in all corners of England, such was the interest in the debate.”

As we know, there is no more accurate barometer of national importance than the running orders of talk radio. (Next week: This House notices with concern that policemen are getting younger.)

“No,” he continued, “The level of interest in this debate confirms to me that the movement for an anthem for England is one whose time has come,” as all around him the benches emptied faster than at a midweek England football qualifier.

Only the SNP remained in any significant number. When it comes to nationalism, they can be counted on, even it’s not their own. Viewed from above, they were lit up like the New York Stock Exchange, their iPads coming together to form one giant wall of Candy Crush.

Choosing a replacement will not be easy, Perkins acknowledged, not least as it will require us all to again sit through the same dreary arguments that have rattled around the unenlightened corners of Wetherspoons pubs for at least three decades. “‘Jerusalem’? But that’s a satire of England? He wants to knock everything down and start again.”

This is undoubtedly true. And any modern version should be updated to record that we are no longer bothered about dark satanic mills, but Middle Eastern immigrants turning up and wandering round like they own the place – ideally in its opening line.

Naturally, it fell to Jacob Rees-Mogg to oppose the Bill. The House listens when “The Mogg” rises, all the time wearing his customary double-breasted jacket, wide enough at the base to be borrowed by Elizabeth I.

There could, he said, be “No greater pleasure for a true-born Englishman or true-born Englishwoman than to listen to our own national anthem, a national anthem for our whole country”, proffering an unwelcome insight into the home life of Mrs Rees-Mogg.

He was done, in two minutes, but don’t worry, the Second Reading is in six weeks’ time, when there can be little doubting he will have found a full two hours of material to filibuster it into submission.

Or, in Perkins parlance, kick it into touch.