Piers Morgan declares political endorsement ahead of the General Election

In the 11th hour, shortly after hammering Russell Brand and Steve Coogan for doing a similar thing, Piers Morgan has declared the party he intends to vote for in the general election.

And, for a man who admits he voted for Margaret Thatcher and John Major, before being struck by New Labour fever ahead of the Iraq War, it’s something of a surprise.

“None of these men seem to have a Scooby Doo what real Britain is like any more. They talk in exactly the same cliché-d platitude-ridden way that party leaders talked 30 years ago,” he writes for the Mail Online.

“I cringe when I watch Miliband struggle to ‘be normal’ and eat a simple hamburger. Or erect some ridiculous Moses-style tablet with his vacuous, meaningless pledges. Or try and pretend that politically stabbing his brother in the front, back and scalp wasn’t the single greatest act of treachery Westminster has ever seen.

“I groan at the sight of Cameron pulling up his sleeves and start shouting to try and prove he has passion when it’s clear he has about as much genuine passion in him as a neutered Aardvaak.

“Clegg?” he continues. “I just look at him and feel a sense of utter derision.”

“UKIP has been exposed for what it is, a nasty little Party for deluded Little Englanders.

“Its beer-swilling leader, Nigel Farage, will probably lose his own seat – a just reward for a disastrous campaign

“The Greens’ leader Natalie Bennett is an Australian – never a good idea in an Ashes year - whose car-crash interviews have become a template in how not to speak in public. How can we trust her to save the planet, when she can’t even string a sentence together?

“The SNP’s Nicola Sturgeon is the only candidate who can justly lay claim to have had a good campaign.”

So, that rules out almost everyone. Except, as he explains, this party.

“The choice in Kensington is: Conservative, Labour, Liberal Democrat, Green, UKIP, the Alliance for Green Socialism (sounds like something even Wolfie Smith would reject as too left-wing), the New Independent Centralists (I could never vote for any party whose name is incomprehensible even to Stephen Hawking) and an organisation called Cannabis is Safer Than Alcohol – a premise with which I happen to agree, but my mother would garotte me if I voted for them.

“The final option is the Animal Welfare Party, which campaigns for animal rights, environment and health. In Kensington, it is a man called Professor Andrew Knight, pictured. After much deliberation, I’ve decided to vote for him and his party.

“And by voting for the Animal Welfare Party, I know I will achieve two things,” he goes on.

The first, he says, is making his animal-loving Grandmother happy.

“Second, I know that by writing this column and publicly declaring my vote, it will directly raise considerable much-needed awareness, and thus extra funding, for the AWP.

“That will almost certainly mean more animal lives get saved and improved. So my vote will actually mean something, and make a genuine difference. Can any of us, hand on heart, after THIS dreary, tedious, lame and tortured election campaign, say the same thing about a vote for any of the main parties?

“I wouldn’t trust Miliband, Cameron, Clegg, Farage, Sturgeon, Bennett, and whoever that nice Plaid Cymru lady is, to save a penalty in a one-foot goal, let alone the country.”

We didn’t see it coming either.

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