Unlike Sir Keir, I don’t believe that family should always come before work and here’s why

I envy Sir Keir Starmer. Not for the job he’s about to get, nor his commitment to solving society’s most intractable problems. But for the childlike naivete in his endearing devotion to family.

In one of his last interviews before possibly becoming prime minister, he admitted that he and his wife Victoria are adamant that they’ll down tools at 6pm at the end of the working week to sit around the dinner table with their two teenage children, no matter what. 

He told Virgin Radio: “We’ve had a strategy in place and we’ll try to keep to it, which is to carve out protected time for the kids, so on a Friday – I’ve been doing this for years – I will not do a work-related thing after six o’clock, pretty well come what may. There are a few exceptions, but that’s what we do.”

It’s all very sweet but does he not realise that trying to solve the housing crisis, breathe life into the NHS and manage immigration is far easier than having a loving and harmonious Friday night family dinner, complete with laughter, sparkling conversation, and chicken that’s not been overcooked?

In my house, it’s a war zone. Or was, until we saw sense and abandoned the whole idea of Friday night togetherness. Admittedly, there were moments of joy and tranquillity (possibly aided by alcohol) but, for the most part, there was endless bickering, made worse by the frustrations of a working week that, in reality, never ends. 

There were tantrums about not having phones at the table (mine and theirs), full-on screaming matches about why takeaways would be preferable to home cooking (that might have been me) and short tempers brought on by overenthusiastic drinking (me again) or being made to sit at the table when we’d all rather have been somewhere else.

If Sir Keir really thinks that after a week of tussling with his cabinet, arguing with aides, fending off abuse from opposition MPs and going head to head with a combative media, he’s going to find solace around the dinner table with his teenage children, he may not be as astute as I thought.

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The point is we all want to believe the myth. The fantasy that family time is always wholesome and nourishing. Like political promises that end up in party manifestos, it’s a seductive idea. The reality, however, is that the more we insist on something happening, the less likely it will be.

We also need to be realistic about the way technology has transformed our working lives. I run a business which relies on me being there 24/7. If I’m not, I lose work. If people need some help negotiating a business dilemma or need me to devote the entire weekend to a project with a Monday morning deadline or one of my US clients is calling, I need to be there.

Putting work first is one of the reasons why the business is so successful. I am rewarded handsomely so that I can put something organic and overpriced on the Friday night table in the first place.

Work also gives me purpose beyond being a dad and a husband and I’m proud of my achievements. It has taken a lot of hard work to get where I am and I refuse to feel guilty about that. I’ve always wanted my children to grow up knowing that I’m there for them, but also that work sometimes needs to come first. It makes me happy and it makes a lot of things that make them happy possible too. Sometimes, the balance gets out of whack but that's life.

It’s unrealistic to think that you can suddenly shift between being a good employer and a good parent at 6pm. What a ridiculous metaphor “switching off” is. If you’ve got a stressful job and you love it (and have spent the last week telling the country to back you because you will be great at it, like Sir Keir has), there is no switch, there is no off. When you’ve got the most important and exciting job in the country, why would you even want to?

Those defending Sir Keir’s decision have pointed out that his wife Victoria is Jewish and the family observe traditional Shabbat dinners on Friday nights. Sir Keir said protecting time to spend with his son and daughter, 16 and 13, made him more relaxed and a better decision-maker.

I am also Jewish and understand that the beginning of the Sabbath is a moment for reflection, to be grateful for what we have, who we are and that we’re together. But, my Jewish parents were often out working on Friday evenings while other families were blessing bread.

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They prioritised work because they had to and then eventually wanted to. Like me, they were there in a litany of other ways, when they could and when it mattered. But not as a God-given matter of course.

Without work, I know I’d be a rubbish husband and father. I know this because when I suddenly and catastrophically lost my job a decade ago, I had all the time in the world to devote myself to family life. I remember looking forward so much to those Friday nights, tackling an absurdly complicated Ottolenghi recipe and the popping of a cork.

But I got bored of it pretty quickly. The joy I needed lay in work, not the oven. And as work returned and I got busier and more stressed, I became a better father and husband. I was happier which meant so were the kids.

So, I say to Sir Keir, if you do get the big job, enjoy it while you can. If Donald Trump wins in November, you may have to spend Friday nights preventing the collapse of global society. More preferable than trying to get any sense out of a pair of sulky teenagers.

Grant Feller is the founder of media consultancy Every Rung and writes ‘The Storytelling Newsletter’ on Substack