Inside Parliament: Fall-out zone in tears of laughter over the great If

John Major yesterday kept open the option for Britain to resume nuclear weapons testing if the United States lifts its moratorium.

Challenged at Question Time by a Labour backbencher to condemn President Jacques Chirac's resumption of tests in the Pacific, the Prime Minister said it was "not an easy decision" for the French. "The principal objective at the conclusion of this short series of tests is the early conclusion of an indefinite test ban treaty. President Chirac has confirmed his commitment to that. We are committed to that and I hope we can reach that as speedily as possible."

John Evans, Labour MP for St Helens North, had said Mr Chirac's "cynical resumption" of testing was treating the people of the Pacific with contempt and putting children's health at risk. "If the French must have nuclear testing, why can't they do it in central France?" he demanded.

Meanwhile in the House of Lords, a junior defence minister, Lord Henley, refused to give an assurance that Britain would not follow suit. "Whilst working for a comprehensive test ban treaty, we do reserve the right and must be allowed to ensure that we can take adequate steps for the safety and reliability of our nuclear weapons," he said.

Pressed by Labour's Lord Williams of Elvel on reports that America is planning to resume underground testing at the Nevada desert site formerly used by Britain, Lord Henley said he had "no reason to believe" the US administration had any intention of abandoning its moratorium. "We have no plans to test while their moratorium is in force," he said.

In rowdy exchanges, Mr Major railed against "quite malicious leaks" from Sir Richard Scott's draft report on the arms-to-Iraq affair and tried to keep Labour on the hook over a report accusing Monklands District Council in Scotland of nepotism and unfair spending. But the issue of his leadership was never far below the surface.

Tory loyalist Quentin Davies undoubtedly meant well when he asked if the Prime Minister ever recalled Kipling, but his choice of the opening lines of "If" seemed singularly naive: "If you can keep your head when all about you / are losing theirs and blaming it on you..."

Mr Davies had barely completed the first line when the House convulsed in laughter. The MP for Stamford and Spalding had innocently drawn attention to the big If consuming all Westminster, not least some of Mr Major's likely rivals, grinning further along the Government front bench.

With order restored, Mr Davies' question turned to Bosnia. Mr Major's "clear- sightedness and resolution" had saved the lives of the hostages and the credibility of Nato, he said. The Prime Minister expressed his delight that all the UN peace-keepers had been released and insisted that "no deal whatsoever" had been done with the Bosnian Serbs.

He thanked Mr Davies for reminding him of one of Kipling's great poems. The timing could have been better, but at least it was familiar to Mr Major, unlike the offering from Jerry Hayes, Tory MP for Harlow.

"Does the Prime Minister recall the words of an illustrious predecessor who was a great patriot and a good European who said that `The dogs may bark but the caravan moves on'?" Mr Hayes asked. "Will he take those words to heart?"

Another gale of jeers and laughter hit the Prime Minister. "Cantona!" bellowed a Labour backbencher, spotting a sequel to the Manchester United kicker's philosophical musings on seagulls, trawlers and sardines.

Escaping as best he could, Mr Major replied: "An easy one, I am delighted to see my campaign for literacy bearing fruit in all directions." But is it? Mr Hayes was thinking of Winston Churchill, dealing with difficult backbenchers in 1942, but the proverb is also attributed to Montagu Norman, Governor of the Bank of England 1920-44, in a heartless remark about 1930s unemployment.

Robert McCartney, the QC who won last week's North Down by-election as an independent Unionist, took the oath after an unusual Commons entrance. Expelled from the Ulster Unionist Party eight years ago, he was - as a newcomer without a party - unable to be escorted in by colleagues. So he was flanked by Ulster-born Kate Hoey, Labour MP for Vauxhall, and John Biffen, a former Tory Cabinet minister.