Andy McSmith's Diary: Old political souls never die in the corridors of power

Anyone who does not believe in life after death should come to Parliament after the general election and see the newly ex-MPs wandering the corridors like lost souls on the banks of the Styx. Those who have not landed seats in the House of Lords are allowed to hold on to their old Commons passes and haunt the place forever.

The Press Association has obtained a list of ex-MPs who currently hold passes. On it there are some old men who ceased to be MPs more than 30 years ago, including John Nott, who is famous for ripping the microphone off his lapel and storming out of the studio when, in October 1982, the BBC interviewer Robin Day addressed him as a “here today and gone tomorrow politician”. How inaccurate can you be? It is 2015 and he has not gone.

Other pass-holders include the two former Cabinet ministers who have done time in prison – Jonathan Aitken, who committed perjury, and Chris Huhne, who tried to avoid losing his driving licence by persuading his wife to take his points for speeding. There is also Keith Best, the Tory who went to prison for fraud in 1987, and another Tory, Rupert Allason, whom a judge described in court as “one of the most dishonest witnesses I have ever seen”. Can’t somebody fetch a priest to give these wandering wraiths their last rites?

Harman needs a bigger bus

The battle bus that the Labour Party has reserved for Harriet Harman’s “Woman to Woman” election campaign tour is coloured pink. Not “Cindy Doll pink”, I am told, but at the burgundy end of pink, one of the colours sometimes seen in the backdrop when Ed Miliband speaks. It is a small bus, with only 16 seats, and I am told that the Deputy Leader is querying whether it is big enough, or whether she should not have a 52-seater, like the one in which John Prescott toured the country in 2005. “Where is anyone going to find a pink 52-seater?” a despairing MP asks.

Playing out Ukip’s fantasies

For a moment we all thought Ukip’s first elected MP had found something worthwhile to do with his time when Douglas Carswell invited his 28,000 Twitter followers to “Come play Hello Kitty World with me”. Building a fantasy garden where Hello Kitty, My Melody, and the Little Twin Stars Kiki and Lala can all live in harmony sounds like Ukip’s best plan ever. Unfortunately, it was Carswell’s five-year-old daughter who posted the tweet after taking control of his iPad. Dad is still focused on taking us out of the EU into a different kind of fantasy world.

Today’s Ukip apologies

It seems to happen every day that some Ukip office holder or other has to apologise for something objectionable. One of today’s contributions to this sub‑genre came from Donald Grewar. He was Ukip’s candidate in Newport East but has quit and apologised after making several brain-dead comments online, such as adding “well said” to a post on the British National Party website which described homosexuality as a “perverted corruption of human nature”. Another was from Ian Williams, chairman of the Torfaen Ukip branch, who said he was sorry he sent an email to fellow Ukip members that contained a joke about Australians enjoying sex with kangaroos.

Unfinished political feuds

Just as old soldiers never die, old politicians never stop feuding. Lord Tebbit, who is 83, has vented his fury at John Major and Edwina Currie, who had an affair when they were junior ministers in the 1980s. “Major, of course, is not terribly bright,” Tebbit has told The Lady magazine. “Nobody terribly bright could be dragged into bed by that awful bloody woman.”