A guide for new MPs: From who has the snuff to leaking discreetly

Parliament is a confusing place for the 176 new MPs who turned up for the first time yesterday. Even Boris Johnson, Alex Salmond and two Labour "retreads" who have been MPs before but have been away for a while may have forgotten its curious rules and customs. But if new MPs remember these few handy tips, they will not go far wrong:

Don't lose your pass

Without that piece of plastic you were given yesterday you will find it very embarrassing trying to talk your way into the building. The officer at the gate is not going to know your face and may not believe your story.

Be nice to the staff

These self-effacing people who open doors for you and only speak when spoken to have much more influence than you think. Treat them with contempt and one day you will be sorry.

Don't smoke, but if snuff's your thing...

Should you feel the need for a pinch of snuff on your way into the debating chamber, ask the Principal Doorkeeper. He has a snuff box in his booth by the double doors.

Be very polite to the party whips – at least for now

Remember, you have not been allocated an office yet. While the Commons authorities decide which offices are allocated to which parties, it is the party whips who then decide who gets that spacious office with a fabulous view of the Thames, and who gets the rat-hole in the basement.

Drink in moderation

There are some very cheap, subsidised bars in Parliament. Be wary of them. They are the graveyards of political reputations.

Learn to be a book keeper

All the expenses you claim will be published online. You do not want to make any mistakes. And failing to fill in the Register of Members' Interests can get you into trouble, so find out how it works.

Know your place

If you want a decent seat during Prime Minister's Questions, go in early in the morning and reserve it. You are not allowed to sit on the front bench.

When making your maiden speech, you are expected to speak highly of your predecessor

There is no exception to this rule, though MPs will understand if Naz Shah, the new MP for Bradford West, cannot find a good word to say about George Galloway.

Don't accept an invitation to go on Have I Got News For You, or any comedy show

You may think you're funny, but no matter how heartily people laugh at your jokes in the Commons or at constituency functions, the professionals will eat you alive. This rule does not apply to Boris Johnson.

Learn name protocol

You never refer to another MP by name in the debating chamber, but by the constituency they represent, as in "the Honourable Member for Nether Wallop". If the person concerned is a Privy Councillor, you say "the Right Honourable Member…" even if you know for a fact that they are neither right nor honourable.

Be polite to the Speaker, John Bercow, and his deputies

They decide whether you get an opportunity to speak in the chamber. Though when the Tory MP Claire Perry asked: "What do I have to do to speak, give the Speaker a blow job?" that was one step further than was strictly necessary.

Learn to leak discreetly

You are allowed to talk to journalists, but if you are hoping for rapid promotion up the ministerial ladder, best not to be seen doing so. If you do talk to a journalist, choose one who is accurate and discreet. If you cannot think of an example, can I suggest me?