Rishi isn’t alone: Why British men can never look cool in the rain

Was it still raining? Rishi hadn’t noticed. The PM was having his Andie MacDowell moment outside No 10 yesterday, announcing the snap election date and, as the heavens opened and rain splashed all over the lapels of his immaculately tailored suit, dewed up his skin and wetted his slick hair, telling his people how he’d “never been prouder to have been British”.

There being, of course, nothing more quintessentially, definitively British than a man standing in a spring downpour, facing the world, and soldiering on against the elements.

Watching it, one did wonder, though… perhaps someone – deputy Oliver Dowden, say – could’ve stood by Rishi with a Tory-merch umbrella? Or maybe his staff looked at the forecast and figured that a man as slim and slight as Rishi could simply stand in between the raindrops’ trajectory and avoid any dampness by remaining stately and stationary.

Sunak’s mizzly, May day moment was, however, wet proof that cruel and relentless rain has a ruinous effect on a middle-aged man’s vanity, dignity and credibility.

It makes his glasses steam up, his clothes soggy and pathetic. His hair – perhaps artfully arranged for passable coverage during dry conditions – will suddenly tell a sparse and ugly truth when stair-rodding water is introduced as an unwelcome restyling product . 

So, is it ever possible to look cool in the rain? 

One of those fussy pocket brollies will help you keep dry but they look kinda Partridge-y and infantilising. A newspaper held over the head will only provide shelter during a brief office-building-lobby-to-cab dash in a cloudburst, while a proper, broadly circumferenced, golf-caddy spec bumbershoot, perhaps with a corporate or hotel logo on it, will perform deflecting wonders…

But there is always the chance that you will appear more “wally with a brolly” like Steve McClaren did when he thought was protecting himself from the elements when England played Croatia in the critical Euro 2008 qualifier, but actually was just confirming his reputation as a national laughing stock. 

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And even if you do find the perfect umbrella it will never be there when you actually need it. (The average British man loses 6.4 umbrellas in his lifetime. Some 18 million umbrellas are lost or discarded every year in the UK...)

There are other ways to achieve style in a storm. None of them require any tricky, technical pole/ rib/valence choreography. Remember Prince’s halftime show at the 2007 Super Bowl? When the little guy strapped on his phallic guitar, tied his hair up in a do-rag and delivered one of the greatest ever live performances… during some of the worst weather Miami had seen in decades? In six-inch heels? (Radiohead pulled off a similar storming spectacle at Glastonbury in 2007.)

How about Rutger Hauer’s “time to die” monologue in the original Blade Runner movie? Shirtless, bleach-blond hair and bloodstained, Nordic skin glistening in the downpour, waxing poetic about “Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion” and “C-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhäuser Gate”. All those moments lost in time, says Hauer’s Roy Batty, “like tears in rain”.

Barack Obama seemed to make it rain to his advantage whilst on his own re-election campaign trail back in 2012. During a rousing stump speech at Glen Allen, Virginia, the president encountered a rainy tempest but instead of requesting a wussy umbrella or a hooded cagoule, Obama took off his jacket and let the weather do its worst…and he looked quite magnificent. Wet white shirt clinging to his slender torso in all the right places, raindrops star-spangling his cropped ’fro.

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Donald Trump, famously, doesn’t “do” rain. Back in 2018, the aquaphobic president swerved an event in Paris honouring US military dead, claiming that the sudden schedule change was made because he didn’t want his motorcade to disrupt local traffic.

Insiders said it was because there was rain forecast and Donald was worried about his hair getting wet and dishevelled in the (actually very gentle) French showers.

With more precipitation likely between now and 4 July, Kier Starmer could rain supreme during the election run-up by adopting an alternative approach to Rishi’s brolly-denying strategy. This menswear expert suggests an official Labour party “dry robe” worn over the opposition leader’s smart suits during stump speeches and al fresco campaigning.

A hit with festival-class millennials, the British-made dry robe, designed by surfer Gideon Bright, incorporates a huge waterproof cape, a towel lining and a hood and has become an edgy urban/street fashion thing also.

It’s going to be a tempestuous, cats-and-dogs fight to the end. With the outlook unsettled and skies grey, Raining Champ Rishi and Sir Kier Stormer are getting ready to… impermeable.