Focus: By appointment: perfect presents (warranty extra)

We all know how difficult it can be to find truly classy Christmas gifts. Why not let us help you? Here in the royal palaces, we know all about giving and receiving extravagant gifts – especially receiving. It's part of our own special culture. And that's official, according to Her Majesty's constabulary.

Just take a look at some of the right royal gifts we've received, and at the majestic prezzies out there for you to buy. It's your "prerogative" to look elsewhere for gift advice, but we "warrant" you won't do better than this.

First, a few words about recent goings-on in the royal households. Harold Brown, butler to the late Princess Margaret, was accused of selling various pieces of gold and jewellery belonging to Diana, Princess of Wales for his own benefit. Last week his trial collapsed.

You will recall the prosecution of Paul Burrell, Diana's "rock", over the 310 items of hers that he was kindly looking after at his home. That case was aborted too, of course. The police are currently safeguarding the collection, as Mr Burrell and the Spencers discuss what should happen to it. So if a man in a pub offers to sell you anything from this list be careful who's listening.

There have even been unseemly stories about Michael Fawcett, the man who squeezes the toothpaste for HRH the Prince of Wales. He has been said to run a "presents chamber", crammed with goodies provided by companies which hold royal warrants, or would like to. Grateful manufacturers deluge the royals with electrical goods, as well as watches, cufflinks, cutlery, crystal and shirts galore. Mr Fawcett isn't nicknamed "the fence" for being handy with a trellis.

Let us clarify the situation, without letting daylight in upon the magic, of course. Over many years, generous, trusting and patriotic people around the world have helped the Royal Family establish a veritable Aladdin's cave in the heart of London. As a result, the firm has always been generous towards its servants, in kind if not in salary, and sometimes – though obviously not in the cases mentioned above – we have been able to pass that generosity on to you, the loyal subjects.

The presents we received were loved, cherished and enjoyed by the greatest family in the kingdom – right up to the point at which they asked us to lovingly place them in a black bin-bag, throw them on a skip or take them home. This is not a car boot sale – more a luggage compartment disposal opportunity. We have had Asprey & Garrard jewellery, Turnbull & Asser shirts, garden furniture, and more ethnic artefacts than you can shake a didgeridoo at.

But you know what Christmas is like. Sometimes you get two (or more) of the same thoughtful gift. Well, the likes of us can't really ask a member of the Royal Family for the receipt, so that's when many of these items come on to the wider market. Heaven knows how the rest of them get there.

Sadly, due to unexpected circumstances, we may not be quite so amenable in future. Sir Michael Peat, Prince Charles's private secretary, is doing a stock check. He wants to know the whereabouts of every official gift worth more than £100 received by the household in the past five years. He also wants to know about all the free samples and sweeteners from applicants for the royal warrant. So enjoy our right royal Christmas gift guide, while you can. But please note: your purchases may differ in colour, appearance and value from those pictured.

Selling now somewhere on the internet

Crumbs! The perfect edible souvenir, "a good-sized" piece of Charles's and Di's wedding cake. Applications to HRH Autographs of New York: $2,500 (£1,585).

A Girl's Best Friend. For that special person, the diamond ring Diana received on her 24th birthday. Actually worn by the Princess, hence £100,000. Apply Peter Smith at Royal and Regal Memorabilia of Norfolk.

Gross-out! Diana's toenail clippings, which have been touted around the memorabilia market. A snip at any price.

Fab Ghia. Fed up with being Diana's escort, Charles bought her one. The "Silver Frog" Escort Ghia was his engagement present. Usual price, £600; on offer at about £10,000.

Any old iron? Give your lawn that Highgrove look with this garden bench, with the initials C and D incorporated in the wrought iron. The kind of wedding present no loving couple could bear to part with. Yours for £6,000, or nearest offer, from Royal and Regal Memorabilia of Norfolk.

Gems coming to a market near you

Tu-tu adorable! What about a ballerina statuette in bronze, once the property of Diana, and given to Paul Burrell? True, she gave it away becauseshe didn't like it – and nor did he. But he kept it anyway, out of loyalty.

Get cracking! Who fancies an Indiana Jones bullwhip? Diana got it at the film premiere, but gave it to Paul Burrell, advising him not to use it on his wife. We don't agree: different strokes for different folks!

The Vinyl Frontier. Top of the Diana Spencer hit parade, traditional 45rpm singles of "The Phantom of the Opera" and "A Groovy Kind of Love" by Phil Collins. Diverted by a sentimental Mr Burrell en route to the Oxfam shop.

Change the Chanel! Fancy a pair of Chanel stilettos, cream and black silk, owned by the late Princess of Wales? Mr Burrell did, even though they weren't his size.

Yes, we have no pyjamas! Except we do: belonging to the late Princess, bearing her monogram, and stored by Mr Burrell in his own bedroom. She wanted him to dispose of them – but he wasn't disposed to.

Dhow's about that then? A silver-gilt Arab dhow, commissioned by the Emir of Bahrain from Asprey & Garrard, and precious to the Princess of Wales until the day she tried to swap it for a credit note. Sadly missing, a jewel-encrusted flag (value: £3,000-£4,000), plinth and plaque. Spare parts not available. On sale at Spink & Son in November 2000 for £30,000, but now held by the police.