‘He threatened me with a hot iron’: Fear of losing children trapped mother in 20-year campaign of abuse
Domestic abuse victim tells Maya Oppenheim about her ex-partner’s two-decade-long campaign of abuse against her
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Your support makes all the difference.When Sarah* met her partner in the first few days of university, he initially played hard to get, refusing to commit to a relationship.
Teasingly, he would mention the names of her friends he wanted to date.
But after a few months, indifference turned to obsession and she went on to experience a campaign of physical, financial, emotional and sexual abuse during their 20-year relationship.
On one occasion he pinned her down and waved a hot iron over her face – as their children watched on.
It was the fear of losing them that stopped her from leaving him for so long.
“He was possessive pretty much straight away,” she tells The Independent. “I met him in September – by Christmas, we were pretty much official. I would try and organise nights out with my friends and he would do a sulky face and say: ‘They don’t really like you.’”
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Preventing her from wearing her favourite jewellery and choosing the clothes she wore, Sarah says he would insist she put them on, even when she did not like them.
Her interview comes as The Independent continues its Brick by Brick campaign with the charity Refuge to raise £300,000 to build a safe house for survivors of domestic abuse. Generous readers and celebrities have so far donated more than £100,000 to the appeal.
During university, Sarah says her ex manipulated her into thinking her friends did not like her so that she would pull out of living with them and move in with him instead.
“One night, after being together for just a few months, he woke me up in the night after coming home drunk and verbally abused me and then raped me,” she says.
He would use his knuckles to hit her on the top of her head around every fortnight, she adds. Although it did not leave any marks on her head, it was very painful.
I paid the mortgage. He paid for nothing. He wasn’t paying for any childcare
Sarah recalls coming home after having a few drinks one evening, only for him to grow so incensed that he removed her phone’s sim card and destroyed it. He also spat on her and left scratches up her arm, she adds.
The physical violence lessened after they left university, although he would sometimes still grab and push her. But the emotional abuse remained constant.
“I remember him threatening me with a hot iron,” she says. “I had ironed his shirts for him and he moaned.”
After she suggested he do his own ironing, he pushed her down and held the iron over her face in front of the children, she adds.
At the other extreme, he would ignore her for days on end and refuse to say he loved her for weeks when he was cross with her, Sarah says. In their entire relationship, she feels like he never once took responsibility for his behaviour or apologised.
Despite having two children with him, she says they never felt like a proper family unit and she would often be forced to go to important family engagements alone.
“He said over and over about how I’d let myself go, calling me a fat c***, calling me ugly, criticising my parenting all the time. He undermined me about my career, my mothering, my appearance, and my whole personality.”
He was so poisonous that he had virtually no friends and was perpetually having massive arguments with colleagues, she says.
“I felt a bit like a prisoner in my own home. In the daytime, I just basically walked the streets with the kids because I couldn’t be in the house because he was working, although I’m not sure if he was actually working.”
The threat of taking the kids away was what kept me there and the fact that I thought I wasn’t capable of doing stuff on my own
Indeed, Sarah says she remains in £30,000 of debt due to his irresponsibility with their money, buying expensive items which he then discarded.
“I paid the mortgage,” she adds. “He paid for nothing. He wasn’t paying for any childcare.”
She says his parents still support him financially and that she discovered he was cheating the benefits system.
In the end, it was her own suicidal thoughts that drove her to flee, compounded by the realisation that he had been flirting with another woman via text messages.
Sarah began secretly looking for a house to move into with her children. Thanks to the help of friends, who gave her money for the rental deposit and hid new furniture for her in their garages, she was finally able to escape.
“I went to work like it was a normal day,” she recalls. “I ran back to the old house. My friend was already there, her husband was there, her husband’s friend was there, her sister-in-law came and we just had this race against time to get as much out as possible.”
Reflecting on why she remained trapped for so long, she says she now realises it was because she was convinced by his threats that nobody would believe her if she accused him of domestic abuse.
“He would tell me that he would get the kids because he had better financial backing,” she says. “The threat of taking the kids away was what kept me there.”
Sarah says he sees their children and continues to emotionally abuse her and sometimes them but they are still very keen to see him. He now knows where they live as he bullied her into telling him.
However, she says her mental health and all-round happiness have vastly improved since escaping and she is now able to do the things she loves.
“Now I’m coming through as that person I was at 18,” she adds. “I became an absolute shell of what I was before. I was this really confident 18-year-old that was moving away thinking ‘The world is my oyster’.”
*Sarah’s name has been changed to protect her identity
Please donate now to the Brick by Brick campaign, launched by The Independent and charity Refuge, to help raise £300,000 to build a safe space for women where they can escape domestic abuse, rebuild their lives and make new futures