Domestic abuse survivor: ‘My violent ex used threats of revenge porn to stop me leaving’
Exclusive: Refuge manager Emma Armstrong tells Maya Oppenheim she was trapped in a relationship for five years because she feared he would either kill her or himself
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Your support makes all the difference.In the early days of their relationship, Emma Armstrong’s ex repeatedly told her she was the best thing that had ever happened to him and made her feel a million dollars.
The 35-year-old was desperate for a partner who would declare their love, treat her like a princess and sweep her off her feet, straight out of a Disney fairytale.
But she says it was not long before his behaviour changed. Just three months into the relationship, he kicked a dent in her car as he did not want her to go on a night out with her best friend.
He grew increasingly controlling, angry and erratic and she tells how she endured physical, emotional, financial and sexual abuse, as well as coercive control.
“He would call me a ‘slut’,” she recalls. “He would call me a ‘slag.’ He would comment on how I dressed. He would tell me that nobody ever loved me previously and nobody else would love me and no-one would want me.”
Ms Armstrong’s brutally honest interview coincides with The Independent’s campaign with the charity Refuge to raise £300,000 to build a safe house for survivors of domestic abuse, as part of the Brick by Brick campaign.
Generous readers, supporters and celebrities have contributed enough to start laying the foundations, but the campaign needs more. Be a brick, buy a brick and donate here or text BRICK to 70560 to donate £15
Ms Armstrong, chief executive of I Choose Freedom which runs 12 domestic abuse refuges across Surrey, says: “For years, I couldn't even admit that I was in an abusive relationship because, for me, it came with a stigma which shouldn’t be the case.”
Manipulation, threats and lies
Describing a “multitude of reasons” why victims do not leave their abusers, she says it was the fear that her then partner would either kill himself - or her - that trapped her in the five-year relationship.
She says now that she was vulnerable when they first met and tried to leave several times. But he would always manipulate her into coming back by making threats.
I thought everyone was going to see something meant to be private... I felt embarrassed and ashamed.
“He would threaten to send intimate pictures of me to other people,” she adds. “He hacked into my Facebook account and tried to post them.”
‘Sick to the stomach’
She recalls him threatening to share her explicit images on Facebook and send them to the parents of the disabled children she looked after to damage her professional reputation.
“I felt sick to the stomach,” she remembers. "I definitely thought he would share them on Facebook. I thought everyone was going to see something meant to be private. I was worried about how damaging that would be for working relationships. I felt embarrassed and ashamed.”
Describing her abuser as “Jekyll and Hyde”, she explains that he was a very different person in public to behind closed doors, where he could be cruel, spiteful and intimidating.
“The image that a lot of people saw was this very cheeky chappy - always up for a good laugh, always making everyone smile,” she adds.
Recalling the last time she ever saw her ex-partner, she says he physically attacked her as she tried to end the relationship.
‘He took his own life - and blamed me in his suicide letter’
“He had gone on a binge, which for him was quite common, and he would disappear for days on end. And he actually came back in the early hours of the morning - thankfully with one of his friends. And he came into the bedroom, and it would have been very obvious that I was leaving because I had packed all my stuff up.”
Realising that she was going to leave the next morning, he woke her up by throwing her out of the bed and smashing her phone against the wall - the seventh phone he destroyed during their relationship.
It was then that his friend intervened and held him against the wall after he started kicking Ms Armstrong in the chest and face. She ran out of the flat and made her escape.
Her abuser was then arrested and cautioned for domestic abuse, as well as told not to contact her directly or indirectly. A week later, he took his own life and wrote a suicide letter saying she was to blame.
While it has taken her years to come to terms with his death - battling with her own suicidal thoughts at her lowest points - she says she is now finally in a much better place.
But she believes no survivor is ever able to “fully let go, process, or make sense of” the abuse they have endured.
“And that's why I now tell my story - because I really want those who are still living in abusive relationships to understand that there is hope, and you can make your life whatever you want it to be,” she concludes.
Please donate now to the Brick by Brick campaign, launched by The Independent and charity Refuge, to help raise £300,000 to build a safe space for women where they can escape domestic abuse, rebuild their lives and make a new future.
If you are experiencing feelings of distress, or are struggling to cope, you can speak to the Samaritans, in confidence, on 116 123 (UK and ROI), email jo@samaritans.org, or visit the Samaritans website to find details of your nearest branch. If you are based in the USA, and you or someone you know needs mental health assistance right now, call or text 988, or visit 988lifeline.org to access online chat from the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline. This is a free, confidential crisis hotline that is available to everyone 24 hours a day, seven days a week. If you are in another country, you can go to www.befrienders.org to find a helpline near you.