Bridget Jones's diary

Friday 17 November 9st 4, cigarettes 12 (vg), alcohol units 4 (vg), calories 2,000 (g), Instants 3 (g)

I am so excited about Princess Diana on Monday. I love things like this which bring the whole nation together, like VE Day and Pride and Prejudice. Magda and Jeremy are having a "Dianarama" party, but I am going to watch it on my own so I can really enjoy it, then ring everyone after. Blimey, must hurry. About to go on date with Diet Coke-esque young whippersnapper. Got myself into a mess last week by boasting fraudulently to the Smug Marrieds that I had a youthful boyfriend, at which they demanded his presence at one of their dinner parties. Happily, Tom came up trumps by producing the divine "Gav", who behaved exquisitely, flirting with all the wives and fawning over me.

Unfortunately, I was so overcome with gratitude* in the taxi on the way back I was powerless to resist his advances**. I did, however, manage to get a grip of myself*** and not accept his invitation to go in for coffee. Subsequently, however, I felt guilty about being a prickteaser****, so when Gav rang and asked me round to dinner tonight I accepted graciously.*****

* Lust. ** Put my hand on his knee. *** Panic. **** Couldn't stop thinking "damn, damn, damn". ***** Could barely contain my excitement.

Later. Feel like Old Woman of the Hills. Made a complete arse of myself on the way by boasting to taxi driver that my boyfriend was cooking me supper, then not being able to find his house.

Once there, started discussing Princess Diana. "It seemed such a fairy- tale, I remember sitting on that wall outside St Paul's," I said. "Were you there?" Gav looked embarrassed. "Um, I was only six at the time."

Eventually we gave up on conversation and Gav, with tremendous excitement (this, I recall, the fabulous thing about 22-year-olds) began to kiss me and simultaneously try to find entrances to my clothes. Eventually he managed to slide his hand over my stomach, at which point he said - Oh God, it was so humiliating - "Mmmmmm. You're all squashy."

Monday 20 November

9st, cigarettes 40 (but Special Day), alcohol units 6 (ditto), calories (but see later)

9.35pm Hurry up, I have been ready since 9 o'clock. Am in danger of getting all my treats before it even begins - have already eaten four smoked salmon pinwheels and three Belgian chocolates. Just looked out of the window and it's like Christmas - the streets deserted and everyone cosily united in front of the telly in a common purpose. "Twas the hour before Princess Diana interview/And all through the house/Not a creature was stirring/ Not even a mouse." Really, it is so generous of Her to do this for Her subjects just when it has turned freezing cold.

Fantastic. Second it finished had to nip out for fags and bumped into the guy who runs the Greek restaurant round the corner. "Bloody witch," he said. "Queen of Hearts? She want to love me? - she empty my whole bloody restaurant all evening." On return, Tom rang up, livid because she had taken "the boys" to see someone dying of Aids and told them it was cancer. He also considered she had too much blusher on. Simon said she was nauseous. But Sharon and I think she made a profound feminist statement and is the patron saint or mascot of Singletons.

"She is a walking bloody symbol of our experience," bellowed Sharon. "Start off thinking one's purpose is to marry a handsome prince, get undermined and hurt by alleged princes, who are jealous of any ability you have, find out you are better off on your own, get branded a basket case: did you hear her? 'People think that a man is the only answer. Actually a fulfilling job is better for me.' "

"Hurrah!" I shouted.

Princess Diana, in my view, is a champion of women's instinctive emotional intuitive response to the world such as has always been dismissed by men as neurotic nonsense compared with merchant banking, etc. But it is not nonsense, it is the way half the world operates, and it is outrageous that men have for so long got away with arrogantly dismissing and neglecting our needs and differing approach. Huh ... Princess Diana vs the old-style Royals is like new Labour as opposed to Thatcherism. "Maybe there's a lot of women out there who suffer on the same level but are unable to stand up for themselves," she says. Yes.

Also, what is the monarchy about if not emotion and symbolism? What is the royal job if not morale-boosting, fund-raising and awareness-spreading? Princess Diana is a million times better at it than anyone else. If she does another broadcast and says everyone has to ring in and pledge money to "battered this or battered that" before she will tell us if she slept with Will Carling, then Children in Need eat your heart out. Maybe she'll do it on Christmas Day instead of the Queen's Speech.

Ugh. Feel sick though. I have eaten 12 salmon pinwheels, a piece of Parmesan, 4 Hobnobs and the whole box of Belgian chocolates. Ugh, ugh (think I will definitely start wearing lip-gloss again, by the way).

Later. Eating all those treats was great at the time, but then my stomach felt completely bloated and I was miserable and disgusted with myself. Then I remembered Princess Diana and knew exactly what I should do. Feeling much better and emptier now.