'Riz MC', anti-war scourge of the music establishment

It is hardly Bob Dylan's Blowin' in the Wind, but the actor Rizwan Ahmed, who starred in Michael Winterbottom's film The Road to Guantanamo, and was controversially detained by police at Luton airport - has scored a potentially significant victory over the mainstream music conveyor belt.

For four months, "Riz MC" has struggled to interest high street stores and radio stations in his "anti-terror-spin" anthem The Post-9/11 Blues - despite many tens of thousands of online plays on MySpace and YouTube.

The track yesterday launched in Apple's iTunes online store, however, and next Monday HMV take the plunge by stocking the single on its shelves.

Appealing to the "war-weary and spin-saturated generation", Riz sings: "Shave your beard if you're brown and you best salute the crown / Or they'll do you like Brazilians and shoot your ass down."

"There is no money in this but I resent being told by music executives that these are fringe sentiments," he says. "Many people are fed up with the distorted view of the world that politicians present us. One of the few places people still have power in society is at the till."

Pandora's music cred is on a par with the mad uncle who dances the funky chicken at weddings, so we'll turn to Radio 1's Bobby Friction for some analysis.

"We live in mad times right now and this is intelligent, humorous and great music. As a piece of urban poetry it's spot-on."

You make me feel like duetting

While the original 70s pop pixie Leo Sayer turned out falsetto disco ballads, Uncle Kracker rapped to basement crowds in Detroit.

Kracker went on to deejay for Kid Rock and release a double-platinum-selling album. Sayer disappeared.

But the 58-year-old's shock No 1 remix of crooning anthem Thunder In My Heart in February makes this most unlikely collaboration possible. Next March the pair will release a single, Happy Hour.

"He's got me singing in a high voice - the sound that myself, Elton John and the Bee Gees cornered," Sayer tells me after his gig at the Pigalle cabaret club in Piccadilly.

"It wasn't guns and diamonds and pimps, no. He has mellowed into country blues. I'm on cracking form and enjoying my salad years."

Pandora would like to see a death-metal harmony with Ozzy Osbourne, incorporating bat-eating, mascara and 30kg of jewellery, but we'll leave that for another day.

Come on, put your shirt on it

Frenzied bidding for David Walliams' potty dress shirt - acquired by Pandora from a Marie Curie charity shop - sees the £10 gambit of Mr Pete Whimster from Aberdeen top the offers at the end of Day One.

He writes: "This most desirable of items would be greatly coveted by my daughter Sophie, who is as yet unaware of your auction. She is a big fan of Walliams, Lucas and Little Britain. I suspect the shirt will be a little too big for her (being a size 8). However, she might be tempted to wear it to The Tunnels night club - an old railway siding, like Liverpool's Cavern."

The proceeds from the sale will go to Marie Curie's cancer care work and I shall pay postage and packaging. You can view the garment's full technicolour glory on our website. As they say, this one will run. Get bidding!

Charm offence

What chance of meeting Britain's favourite septuagenarian lag, Ronnie Biggs, I ask a female jailer?

The Great Train Robber has been in high-security Belmarsh prison since 2001, despite drastically deteriorating health. Surely a pick-me-up visit from a national newspaper diarist would help?

"You have got about as much chance of seeing him as me growing a penis by tomorrow morning," comes the delightful reply.

"He's not well and he needs to stay there for medical treatment. He can't go to hospital because his son will let cameramen photograph him.

"And if you tell anyone what I just said I'll break your bloody legs."

A joy to converse with the caring modern prison service!

The greasy pole of politics

There were the usual high jinks on the last day of the final parliamentary session, which proved a particularly painful one for the Tory welfare spokesman David Ruffley.

Ruffley, a former squeeze of the temptress Petronella Wyatt, took a nasty tumble in the House library where I'm told he went crashing through a table after falling from a ladder. He's now sporting a set of busted ribs.

"I suppose given that David is shadow minister for incapacity benefit, it might be beneficial for him to have first-hand experience of being laid out," chunters a colleague.

Unfortunately, Ruffley is on holiday nursing his wounds and is unavailable for comment. Pandora wishes him a speedy recovery.