Ker-plonk! Poliakoff drops wine-cellar clanger

Unkind critics suggest that the playwright Stephen Poliakoff has not offered anything of premier cru for some time. And again, following his Monday night drama Capturing Mary on BBC2, we find ourselves questioning the vintage.

In one flashback scene set in 1958, the sinister social climber Greville (David Walliams) corners young Mary (Ruth Wilson) in a wine cellar, and regales her with horrible secrets about sadomasochistic bishops and the like.

Poliakoff, pictured, and his researchers show themselves to be wine buffs, filling the surrounding shelves with impeccable plonk from the era worth thousands of pounds that any great house would be proud to stock, including a tasty-looking Château Latour.

But: aaarrgh! There in the background, behind Mary's head, is a wine box brushed with fake cobwebs, clearly bearing the stencilling "LA CLARIERE LAITHWAITE". As any round-bellied wine-tasting fule kno, the Laithwaite vines belong to one Tony Laithwaite, whose plonk is beloved of Sunday newspaper readers and definitely not of 50s vintage.

Indeed, La Clarière only started in 1984. A bottle retails online for £11.91.

Was it an intentional plug, or a red-faced "continuity" cock-up? A BBC spokeswoman comments: "It's not like Stephen to make a mistake like that ... you'd best ask his assistant about it."

Poliakoff's surprised assistant explains that she researched the wine herself.

But where did the plonk go? The licence fee payer should be told!

* It is a cliché that red sprite Lily Cole is more than your average clothes horse: sparky; down-to-earth; straight 'A's at A-level; a place at King's College, Cambridge. But does she really plan to go to the university?

The model, left, was due to begin her social and political sciences tripos in October 2006 but deferred matriculation for a year. This summer she deferred for a further 12 months, to appear in the forthcoming remake of St Trinian's, pictured left.

Cole has since agreed to play a teenage daughter gambled to the Devil in Terry Gilliam's surreal morality tale The Imaginarium of Dr Parnassus.

Filming is due to begin at the turn of the year. However, Gilliam's epicprojects have "form" for production delays. Then there is the matter of Cole's promotional duties when the flick premieres – raising question marks over her ability to commit to her studies in October 2008.

* The Duke of Edinburgh, right, may be a belligerent ranter, but at least he is clean shaven: the royal chops never carry whiskers.

Philip's office recently took the trouble to request a pair of electric razors be sent to Buckingham Palace. Apparently, he prefers not to wet shave, so as to avoid clumsy rashes and bloodshed.

"Prince Philip insists on using a dry shaver as he has previously experienced embarrassing cuts on his face during wet-shaving," says a spokeswoman for Braun, which has also sent (unwanted) razors to Princes Will and Harry.

"He wants to maintain healthy soft skin all year round."

* In an ill-conceived act of European cooperation, the foreign ministers of France and Germany, aged 68 and 51, have recorded an R&B record together. Our own foreign secretary David Miliband endures strained relations with his swashbuckling underling Lord Mark Malloch Brown, the former UN bigwig. (MMB went to purdah after one month at the FCO, for describing himself as the "wise eminence behind the young Foreign Secretary".)

So there were raised eyebrows at yesterday's Press Gallery luncheon when Miliband said he had discussed recording an Elton John cover with Malloch Brown. Miliband suggested to MMB he might like to sing "Sorry Seems to be the Hardest Word". MMB declined and insisted on "I'm Still Standing" or "Don't Go Breaking My Heart". They settled on "The Captain and the Kid". Who's who?

* Flop! That's the sound of hundreds of "stiffies" landing, requesting the pleasurable company of celebrities, agents and hacks at the champagne launch of a private members' club in Primrose Hill, north London.

The note reads: "Please find attached an invitation for the grand opening of En-Velopé ... sure to become the most talked about new venue (outside Soho). Please be aware the opening will be filmed by the BBC as part of a documentary."

I bet! Sounds suspiciously like a stunt the Daily Mirror pulled in 1996, when it invited minor celebs to the opening of a new Chelsea restaurant, The Paper Bag. Needless to say, on arrival there was no sign of the promised Jagger, Cruise and Spielberg – just a bank of laughing paparazzi. The hoaxed B-listers were subsequently snapped and publicly shamed.