Uncelebrated celebrities: I'm a nobody, get me in anywhere

Janice Dickinson, Ex-model, 52

Who is she? An ageing alleged supermodel whose impending involvement in the latest series of ITV's I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out Of Here! has raised eyebrows on the basis that, even by that programme's bizarre standards, she is hardly a celebrity. Three times married, she is best-known to readers of red-top newspapers for her love life. She once claimed to have had an affair with Mick Jagger. "Jerry hated me but she can **** off and die! No one scares me," was her public apology.
Achievements: Set up her own model agency and once claimed to have had sex with more than 1,000 men.
Seen in: The new I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here!
Image: Nice lips but scant personality.
Z-list rating: ZZZZ

Paul Danan, Actor and reality star, 28

Who is he? Paul "I look like a bit of a psychopath" Danan was once an actor in the teen soap opera Hollyoaks but more recently found national fame for having prolonged rows with Sophie Anderton on Celebrity Love Island (2005).
Achievements: Shouting, fawning over women, general nuisance.
Seen in: Hollyoaks until 2001 and ITV2's cutting-edge programme Test Drive My Girlfriend.
Image: Looks as though he needs a hug, or a smack in the mouth.
Z-list rating: ZZ

Jasmine Lennard, Model and reality star, 28

Who is she? Finalist in Five's Make Me a Supermodel; daughter of the shoe magnate Brian Lennard and actress Marilyn Galsworthy.
Achievements: Turned up to the premiere of the film Revolver in lacy hotpants; reportedly in a relationship with Simon Cowell.
Seen in: The forgettable Trust Me I'm A Holiday Rep on Five.
Image: Talk to her for too long and your brain might die.

Z-rating: ZZZZ

Chantelle Houghton, reality star, 24

Who is she? Surprise winner of last year's Celebrity Big Brother (the gag being that she wasn't well-known).
Achievements: Once worked as a Paris Hilton lookalike. In May 2006, she signed a £300,000 deal to publish her autobiography
Seen in: The Daily Star (including page 3).
Image: Paris Travelodge
Z-list rating: ZZZZZ

Bianca Gascoigne, model, 21

Who is she? Glamour model and the estranged step-daughter of the former national footballing hero turned booze monkey Paul "Gazza" Gascoigne.
Achievements: Had breast enlargements in February 2006 and October this year, which took her already perfectly adequate bosom up to a 34DD.
Seen in: Celebrity Love Island 2006.
Image: Daft as a brush – but has made headlines for having the sort of chest that her stepfather used to strap on for a laugh.
Z-list rating: ZZZZZ

Ziggy Lichman, reality star, 26

Who is he? A former model and boy-band star who found "fame" in last year's Big Brother and has since "enjoyed" an on-off relationship with fellow BB "star" – and at one point fiancée – Chanelle Hayes. The latest from the Daily Star is that Chanelle has had enough of Ziggy's philandering ways: "That's it! We've finally had enough," she said, ripping off her engagement ring. Sky Showbiz reported: "It's a black day."
Achievements: Sometime boy-band member, music producer, promoter and model.
Seen in: Chinawhite.
Image: Problematic. Thinks that wearing his hair in curtains makes him lovable. In fact, it doesn't.
Z-list rating: ZZZZZ

Danielle Lloyd, Model, 23

Who is she? Lingerie and glamour model, alleged Big Brother racist, former Miss England and ex-girlfriend of Miss England judge Teddy Sheringham.
Achievements: Since the Big Brother racism row earlier this year, Lloyd has lost six-figure modelling contracts with the motorcycle insurer Bennetts and the fashion label Rocawear. She has since launched a mobile-phone safety campaign after her own handset was stolen from a Liverpool nightclub.
Seen in: The back of taxis, at night, looking the worse for wear.
Image: Not a deep thinker. Last year, on BBC1's Test The Nation, she was asked: "Who was Winston Churchill: a rapper, US President, the PM or King?" Lloyd answered: "Wasn't he the first black president of America?"
Z-list rating: ZZZ

Sam & Amanda Merchant, twins, 20

Who are they? Runners-up in this year's Big Brother, "Samanda" have since launched their own fitness DVD and make-up range.
Achievements: Their rendition of Aqua's hit "I'm A Barbie Girl" marks a new low in modern civilisation.
Seen in: Pictures of real celebrities.
Image: Less than Cheeky Girls.
Z-list rating: ZZZZZ

Jack Osbourne, reality star, 22

Who is he? The son of heavy metal king Ozzy Osbourne made "his" name in 2002 with The Osbournes, a reality show about the family.
Achievements: During the filming of ITV2's Adrenaline Junkie, first broadcast in 2005, Osbourne shed 22.5kg. Kimberly Stewart says he has her old breast implants in his bathroom.
Seen in: The US reality television show Armed And Famous. He is reportedly being sued by a woman from Indiana whose house was mistakenly raided during filming.
Image: Troubled – by drug addiction and, recently, by rumours that he once slept with Paris Hilton.
Z-list rating: ZZ

Adee Phelan, hairdresser, 35

Who is he? Celebrity crimper with former clients including David Beckham, the Appleton sisters and, erm, Piers Morgan.
Achievements: Became a senior stylist in 1999 before setting up his own hair salon. Has recently completed endorsement contracts for, among others, Remington and the Conair Group.
Seen in: Channel 4's show The Salon.
Image: Show-off. Has talent as a hairdresser but the "celebrity" tag doesn't fit so well.
Z-list rating: ZZ

Alicia Douvall, Model and reality star, 28

Who is she? The star of Celebrity Love Island, glamour model and, it has been said, a "cosmetic car-crash". She was born Sarah Howes and is known for her kiss-and-tell revelations. Glasgow's Sunday Herald once referred to her as "a serial bed-mate to the stars" – which is surely what every little girl dreams of.
Achievements: Appearing in reality shows, and being romantically linked to Calum Best, Dennis Rodman, Dwight Yorke, Lee Ryan and Mick Hucknall (what a night!).
Seen in: Very little.
Image: The rocks on to which celebrities may be lured if they sink too many Metropolitans.
Z-list rating: ZZZZZ

Jack Tweedy, Boyfriend, 19

Who is he? The on-off "beau" of reality television "star" Jade Goody, and an accomplice sniggerer in the notorious celebrity Big Brother racism incident earlier this year. He has since allegedly cheated on Goody with dancers Hannah Tyler and Maria Gold.
Achievements: Left school at 16 to work as an electrician for his father before turning to "modelling".
Seen in: Celebrity Big Brother earlier this year and an infamous internet video involving him getting amorous with Goody's leg.
Image: Seedy – like a young racist on work experience.
Z-list rating: ZZZZ

Rik Waller, Singer and reality star, 25

Who is he? The big-boned Pop Idol finalist who won the nation's hearts with his solid singing in 2002 – but whose career has since faltered. He was reported this week to be quitting singing as a condition of marrying a pagan goth, Kelly Bliss, 23.
Achievements: Signing a record deal with EMI reportedly worth £200,000; reaching No 6 in the UK singles chart with "I Will Always Love You" in 2002.
Seen in: Celebrity Fit Club and Back To Reality.
Image: Waller is seen as a national treasure – the one who ate all the pies.
Z-list rating: Z

Are you a Z-head?

1 Which of these Z-list relationships is still going strong?

a) Preston and Chantelle (b) Chanelle and Ziggy (c) Peter Andre and Jordan?

2. Which Pop Idol loser was forced to scrap the Torquay leg of his Beyond Reality 2004 tour following disastrous ticket sales?

(a) Rik Waller (b) Darius Danesh (c) Aaron Bailey?

3. Which former Celebrity Love Islander will play the lead role in Jack and the Beanstalk at the Preston Theatre this Christmas?

(a) Michael Greco (b) Lee Sharpe (c) Paul Danan?

4. In which publication did Big Brother 5 contestant Shell Jubin pose topless on leaving the House?

(a) "Playboy" (b) "The Sun" (c) "News of the World"?

5. With which stateside rapper did pneumatic Brit glamour model Alicia Douvall reportedly have a pregnancy scare in 2002?

(a) P Diddy (b) Kanye West (c) 50 Cent?

6. With which famous son was lanky model Elizabeth Jagger filmed romping in a nightclub doorway in 2005?

(a) Sam Branson (b) Jack Osborne (c) Calum Best?

7. Which fading pop star threatened to quit pop music if her single Electric fell outside the MTV top 10 (but reneged when it bombed)?

(a) Lisa Scott Lee (b) Faye Tozer (c) Jo O'Meara?

8. From which animal did former Beckham kiss'n'teller Rebecca Loos extract a semen sample on The Farm in 2004?

(a) a cow (b) a pig (c) chicken?

9. Which of these is not the name of a child of two-times Big Brother star Jade Goody?

(a) Bobby (b) Freddie (c) Jay?

10. What are the first names of the Translyvanian pop duo Cheeky Girls?

(a) Irina and Adriana (b) Monica and Gabriela (c) Elena and Margareta

Answers:

1c 2a 3c 4b 5a 6c 7a 8b 9c 10b

What your score means: 0-1 Are you a little too out of touch? 2-5 Average. 6-9 Are you sure you want to use so many brain cells for this stuff? 10 Your life has been taken over by nonebrity – you are a Z-head.