Flat Earth

Biljana's memory lapse

POLITICIANS are not famous for strict consistency in their views. Little contradictions are par for the course. When it comes to irony-free zones, however, Biljana Plavsic, President of the Bosnian Serb republic, must surely take the the Balkan biscuit.

She announced last week that the war in Bosnia should serve as a warning that prevention is better than cure. "The flames of war in Bosnia have just been extinguished. But everyone is truly worried by the appearance of a possible crisis in Kosovo.'' Even more movingly, she announced: "Anything can be achieved during the stages of discussion. But ... war is very easy to begin and very difficult to put an end to."

So true. And Ms Plavsic should know. Through the early years of the Bosnian war, she was one of the fiercest Serb nationalists.When ethnic cleansing was well under way - when Muslims were brutally driven out of their homes and herded into the modern equivalents of ghettoes - she explained that Muslims are Oriental (er, no - not in Bosnia), and like living piled on top of each other. They feel better that way. In short, ethnic cleansing was doing the Muslims a favour.

Ms Plavsic later signed up for the Dayton peace accord. As a result, Europe decided she was a Terribly Good Thing, and the past should be forgotten. And now she is able to go around making fatuous statements that entirely ignore her previous historical role as Radovan Karadzic's sidekick.

Sex isn't casual in Rio

MIND YOU, the Bosnian Muslims themselves do not always choose their words perfectly. Muhamed Sacirbey, the Bosnian ambassador to the UN, asked in a debate on Bosnia: "Are we doomed to ethnic hatreds and conflict in the Balkans, as those in Rio are condemned to a life of casual sex?" The comparison did not go down well with the Brazilians, even when Mr Sacirbey said he was only referring to the 1984 movie Blame it on Rio, where the protagonists are "inescapably caught up in sex, lust and promiscuity". The Brazilians were not amused. The ambassador complained of the reference to "an obscure sub-product of the entertainment industry" and demanded an end to "totally inappropriate" views.

Own goal in France

AND YET more international misunderstandings. Two great media institutions - Newsweek and Le Monde - have found themselves in a slanging match about France and Frenchness. It was all provoked by a Newsweek cover story which talked of French "fiasco", and noted: "In the face of foreign criticism, the French turn defensive." Le Monde promptly complained, denying that France was a "nightmarish" country. Newsweek retorted that it had never intended to be Francophobe, but the French would be better loved if they behaved more like the Dutch. Le Monde responded with yet more prickliness, re-quoting some of Newsweek's accusations of arrogance. It slyly pointed out that Newsweek itself was helping to sustain such self-regard. A special advertising supplement in this week's issue - described as "copyright 1998 Newsweek Inc" - describes France as "a model for the world".

German cars are no joke

THE Germans, too, feel permanently misunderstood. In particular, they keep worrying about accusations that they lack a sense of humour. However, if they want to persuade people of their love of laughter, they had better tell Volker Nickel. Mr Nickel, spokesman of the German Advertising Association, argued last week that advertisers selling to the Germans should be very careful of anything that might be construed as humorous. That was all very well for the British, he suggested, but the Germans were a different kettle of fisch. In particular, jokes should not be encouraged when selling cars. "Someone who spends 30,000 marks on a car," said Mr Nickel (try adding spoof Hollywood-German accent at this point) "does not want to drive a joke."

Downfall of a pigeon

IF YOU ever feel hostile to the pigeons that clog the cities, remember this: shooting them might be highly profitable. Especially, it seems, in South Africa. A resident of Alexander Bay spotted an oddly shaped pigeon on his roof last week, and alerted the police - who shot the bird dead. A less wanton act than it might sound, since the pigeon turned out to be an unpaid smuggler. A little bag was attached to its body - containing uncut diamonds, to the value of $10,000.