Football: Claret Teletubbies are missing their Laa-Laa

"We've already been in this division a day too long," was the battle cry from Glenn Roeder, our new assistant manager, on the day that he and Chris Waddle (and 17 members of coaching staff) took over the reigns at Burnley this summer. We all applauded, it was just what we wanted to hear, and I thought I'd better go and get my season ticket.

On my return from a week's summer holiday I picked up the local paper to find that Chris had already signed five new players (two of whom would later turn out to be coaches), among them were ex-England players and all had played in the Premiership last season. Who could stop us now?

Four thousand fans set off to Watford for the first game of the season. The lads ran around a lot. We lost 1-0. Funny thing was that the Watford fans seemed to think that they were going to win the league.

Six away games later, having run around for most of the time but always losing 1-0, the league table started to get a very worrying look about it. It didn't help that we couldn't score at home either, but Chris (rapidly losing his god-like status) did strike a positive note when he mentioned that we had one of the best defensive records in the division (although this would soon disappear once he abandoned his 8-1-1 formation).

Chris did eventually succumb to the fans pleading for him to sign a striker by plumping for Gerry "Laa-Laa" Creaney on loan from Manchester City, and remarkably, it worked. "Laa-Laa" scored eight goals in as many games and nudged us up to the dizzy heights of 17th place. Hurrah, sign him on.

Not a bit of it. City were embarrassed and called him back, picked him for their next game, and subbed him at half-time. Frank Clark obviously hadn't realised that you needed Tinky Winky on the wing to supply the ammunition.

Despite all this, all is not yet lost. Last Saturday we witnessed our second consecutive home win against Southend (who have also apparently been in this division a day too long) and this after a comfortable win against high-flying Watford. We only managed to score one against Southend, which was partly down to the magnificent Neville Southall, who received a warm welcome from the Clarets faithful, and even the more vociferous couldn't think of anything more abusive than "You're Welsh, and you know you are".

Our post-match ritual continued on the way home with the obligatory listening to the local radio phone-in. The second caller claimed that he'd just relinquished his season ticket at Blackburn Rovers in disgust at having to put up with the antics of female fans. When the presenter questioned him further the caller demanded that if he was to return he would want all female fans to be segregated. That's the first time that I've had the pleasure of witnessing a phone-in presenter lost for words.

Roeder also seems to be lost for words at the moment, while Waddle continues his weekly battle against the referees' conspiracy.

The fans? Well, we just live in hope and are still finding it hard to come to terms with the fact that a summer of such high expectation has been replaced by the reality of a season-long battle against the drop.