Dear Streakers

I gather that John Bower, the chief executive of Lancashire County Cricket Club, has seen enough of you. He has even appealed to the umpires - in this case the all-party Commons cricket committee - to have you all confined to the pavilion.

He has a point. While a healthy young streaker at St Andrews relieves the tedium of watching grown men with appalling dress sense walking through the countryside and trying to hit a ball into a hole, and streaking at Twickenham is quite in keeping with that sport (have you noticed how streakers are invariably reported as being "brought down by a rugby tackle"?), there's something about streaking that just isn't cricket. Criminalisation, however, is going too far. What streaking needs is proper organisation. May I therefore suggest you establish a proper streakers' code of practice.

A limit on the number of intimidatory bouncers per over: the tabloids have, unfortunately, seized on certain cricketing expressions - "Now here's a pair any batsman wouldn't mind bagging" or "Phew, what a bouncer" - that have sadly undermined the reportage of streaking. An allocation of one cliche per day's play would be a good start.

I'm not a chauvinist, but I feel that the phenomenon of male streaking is distasteful. Since the ball-tampering incident in 1974, when Mr Michael O'Brien's appendage was covered by a policeman's helmet, there has been no significant creative advance in this area. Men play cricket, women streak. That's the way it has always been and that's the way it should stay. When Mr Bower said: "If it was just the odd streaker I could live with it but some of this was orchestrated", I can only applaud his sentiments. Orchestration's too good for them.

Protective helmets: as buxom beauty Linsey ("Phew! You wouldn't get much of them into a policeman's helmet") McKenzie, 16, demonstrated at Old Trafford, the police are ill-equipped to deal with the volume of today's streakers and have been since 1982 when Erika Roe streaked to fame. Protective shields and buckets should be available at all county grounds.

Distracting the batsmen: streaking should be limited to breaks between innings, the changeover between overs, and when the opposition is batting. Peter Martin was out at Lord's, caught off the first ball after Madeleine Perry hurdled the stumps. Could she not have waited until Brian Lara came to the crease?

First-class standards: in the best traditions of English sport, streaking must remain amateur. There have been signs of professionalism. What next? Sponsorship? Will we soon be reading "Pedigree Chum gives your pets added bounce" across the chests of streakers?

Selection: a Test and County Streaking Board must be instituted to elect a committee to examine the credentials of putative streakers, make official selections and schedule their appearances. Only then will we know when to switch over from listening to the wireless commentary and turn our attention to the TV.

Finally, may I commend to you an idea already in operation in South Africa? On the day of the Rothmans July Handicap meeting at Durban last month, the final race was a 300-metre sprint for streakers. A man wearing underpants was first past the post, but he was disqualified after a stewards' inquiry.