So you're gathering with relatives whose politics are different. Here are some tips for the holidays
There’s no place like home for the holidays
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Your support makes all the difference.There's no place like home for the holidays. And that may not necessarily be a good thing.
In the wake of the very contentious and divisive 2024 presidential election, the upcoming celebration of Thanksgiving and the ramp-up of the winter holiday season could be a boon for some — a respite from the events of the larger world in the gathering of family and loved ones. Hours and even days spent with people who have played the largest roles in our lives. Another chapter in a lifetime of memories.
That's one scenario.
For others, that same period — particularly because of the polarizing presidential campaign — is something to dread. There is the likelihood of disagreements, harsh words, hurt feelings and raised voices looming large.
Those who make a study of people and their relationships to each other in an increasingly complex 21st-century say there are choices that those with potentially fraught personal situations can make — things to do and things to avoid — that could help them and their families get through this time with a minimum of open conflict and a chance at getting to the point of the holidays in the first place.
DO assess honestly where you are with it all
For those who feel strongly about the election's outcome, and know that the people they would be spending the holiday feel just as strongly in the other direction, take the time to honestly assess if you're ready to spend time together in THIS moment, barely a few weeks after Election Day — and a time when feelings are still running high.
The answer might be that you're not, and it might be better to take a temporary break, says Justin Jones-Fosu, author of “I Respectfully Disagree: How to Have Difficult Conversations in a Divided World.”
“You have to assess your own readiness,” he says, “Each person is going be very different in this.”
He emphasizes that it's not about taking a permanent step back. “Right now is that moment that we’re talking about because it’s still so fresh. Christmas may be different.”
DON’T miss the bigger picture of what the holiday is all about
Keep focused on why why you decided to go in the first place, Jones-Fosu says. Maybe it’s because there’s a relative there you don’t get to see often, or a loved one is getting up in age, or your kids want to see their cousins. Keeping that reason in mind could help you get through the time.
DO set boundaries
If you decide getting together is the way to go, but you know politics is still a dicey subject, set a goal of making the holiday a politics-free zone and stick with it, says Karl Pillemer, a professor at Cornell University whose work includes research on family estrangement.
“Will a political conversation change anyone’s mind?" he says. “If there is no possibility of changing anyone’s mind, then create a demilitarized zone and don’t talk about it.”
DON’T take the bait
Let’s be honest. Sometimes, despite best efforts and intentions to keep the holiday gathering politics- and drama-free, there’s someone who’s got something to say and is going to say it.
In that case, avoid getting drawn into it, says Tracy Hutchinson, a professor in the graduate clinical mental health counseling program at the College of William & Mary in Virginia.
“Not to take the hook is one of the most important things, and it is challenging,” she says. After all, you don’t have to go to every argument you’re invited to.
DO think about what will happen after the holiday
If you risk getting caught up in the moment, consider engaging in what Pillemer calls “forward mapping.” This involves thinking medium and long term rather than just about right now — strategy rather than tactics. Maybe imagine yourself six months from now looking back on the dinner and thinking about the memories you'd want to have.
“Think about how you would like to remember this holiday,” he says. “Do you want to remember it with your brother and sister-in-law storming out and going home because you’ve had a two-hour argument?”
DON'T feel you have to be there uninterrupted
Things getting intense? Defuse the situation. Walk away. And it doesn't have to be in a huff. Sometimes a calm and collected time out is just what you — and the family — might need.
Says Hutchinson: “If they do start to do something like that, you could say, `I’ve got to make this phone call. I’ve got to go to the bathroom. I’m going to take a walk around the block.'"