Women and Men: Auntie ag & Uncle ony

My girlfriend has a disconcerting habit of, well, saying things at the crucial moment when we're making love. The first time we ever slept together she said: "Leave no seed" - which was pretty unnerving. I've been managing to come to terms with it so far, but then two nights ago she said: "Fill me with your babies." I don't think I can take it much longer.

Sean, Barnsley

Uncle Ony: The problem is not your girlfriend's healthy, and frankly rather charming, openness in expressing her desires during lovemaking; it is your own fear of the reproductive function of the sexual act. I suspect a dysfunction with your Inner Child - preventing you from reacting in a healthy functional way to the notion of future Outer Child manifestations. As a temporary measure I would recommend condoms, but ultimately the only way properly to address this is through regressive therapy.

Aunty Ag: Darling, how ghastly and repulsive. You must put a stop to it at once. If she gets turned on by coming out with this sort of Weirdobabble I see no reason whatsoever why you shouldn't be turned on by shoving your hand over her mouth till she shuts up. Failing that you could play her at her own game with impassioned cries of, "Prepare to hatch those eggs, my precious," and see how she likes it.

Is it wrong to talk about your friends behind their backs? I'm extremely fond of my friends but cannot resist bitching or gossiping about them if they annoy me, or some juicy bit of gossip comes up. I'm never that horrible - just letting off steam. But sometimes I imagine how hurt and horrified they'd be if they overheard, and feel sick with myself. I've tried to stop it but I can't.

Julia, Bournemouth

Uncle Ony: Yes. There is a key phrase in your letter: " sick with myself". Clearly the real object of these attacks is you yourself. These sessions exhibit all the symptoms of low-self-esteem-based obsessive compulsive disorder. You cannot give them up because you are addicted. You need to come to terms with and learn to "own" the darker side of your own nature. I would be very interested to know how often you dream about your own defecatory processes.

Aunty Ag: Oh darling, for heaven's sakes, do keep things in proportion. Where would we all be without a good bitch? The only thing I'd say is be careful who you bitch to. It's such a bore if friends get to hear about being called obese, prematurely ageing closet paedophiles or whatever, and over-react. Find a regular bitching partner and swear each other to mutual discretion then you can slag everyone else off freely to your heart's content. (Do make sure you've got someone to slag the bitching partner off to as well though, darling.)

I have been married for seven years and am on the verge of having an affair. There is no point telling me not to. I am powerless to resist, swept away on a tide of passion, like Cindy and David in EastEnders. It seems to me, though, that when people find out about their partners' affairs they always say: "What hurts me most is the lies." So shall I tell my husband I'm about to have an affair, and all about it when it happens, so he won't be hurt by my lies?

Melinda, London

Uncle Ony: What a refreshing breath of fresh air! As I constantly try to explain to my wife, for many married people, the need to enjoy "affairs" is as natural as leaves falling off a tree. Making affairs into something secret and "wrong" only encourages involvement in seamier forms of extra- marital sex - massage parlours, "kerb crawling" and so on. My advice is to proceed with your honest course - but should you wish to discuss this in person, feel free to contact me and arrange a time and place to meet.

Aunty Ag: Darling, don't be absurd.