Why you need to stop stressing about being perfect

As hard as it may be to loose grip of our strict diet plans, highly regimented workout schedules, spotless relationships and glittering track records at work, it’s now time to abandon your perfect life. It’ll be tough, we know.

Because being a perfectionist is actually a flawed concept, at least according to life coach Fiona Buckland who teaches individuals, groups and businesses, and has hosted a TEDx talk.

The need for perfectionism can permeate every aspect of our lives, from work, to relationships, to the clothes in our cupboards, the furniture in our lounges, but also how creative we feel and our desire to live in a perfect society, says Buckland, a faculty member of The School of Life philosophy and lifestyle group in London who often delivers talks on this subject.

Perfectionism can be a positive symptom of ambition, she says. Of course, perfectionism has its merits or it wouldn’t be called perfectionism.

“Perfectionism has produced some of our finest cultural achievements,” argues Buckland.

“Tom Kelley of design company IDEO tells a story of working with Apple CEO Steve Jobs. Steve would call him in the middle of the night screaming because a screw on the inside of the iMac wasn't exactly how he wanted it. As Kelly relates this, Jobs was incredibly difficult to work with, and they never reached his ideal of 100 per cent perfection. But even if they got two-thirds of the way there, it was 50 per cent more than Kelley and his already high-achieving team had ever reached before.

“The drive for perfectionism can push culture, art, architecture, science and technology to even greater achievements.”

But, as Kelley’s story alludes, perfectionism is ultimately impossible. It’s also highly subjective, and therefore can be harmful. A recent study by the University of Sussex found that the pressure to be “cool” and have a perfect appearance is detrimental to children. Separate studies have shown that it encroaches into adulthood, as both men and women feel under pressure to look perfect and lead superlative lives.

“The messages we encounter in the modern world suggest that things that are actually imperfect and quite difficult to achieve should be perfect and are in fact achievable if we only we work hard enough for them, for instance, material comfort, wonderfully agreeable friends, great sex, fulfilling work, a harmonious relationship, and well-behaved children,” says Buckland.

“We're also surrounded by advertising and media that offers us a highly selective, frequently unrealistic picture of what the wider world looks like. By comparing ourselves with these distortions we feed perfectionist tendencies.”

If we let this run riot, says Buckland, these feelings can lead to intense self-criticism and destroy the possibility of feeling fulfilled. We the feel isolated misunderstood and like our lives are disasters. We won't compromise, we resent negotiation, we overwork and refuse to let go and delegate as we don't trust that other people will get it right, says Buckland.

As a result, we become stifled. This argument can be used to chart the rise of public apathy towards politics, and the rise of populist movements which made way for Trump and Brexit.

“We never create that piece of art, we end relationships because they aren't perfect, we feel we are unlovable because we aren't perfect, and we feel devastated because we can't be perfectly understood. We lose confidence in ourselves and others, we become discouraged with politics,” says Buckland.

“Rather than seek perfection in all things, we might do better to drive for excellence or raising the bar. That would take the pressure off,” she says.

For all of us at risk of becoming too perfect. (After all, it can just be so tough to reign it in at times!) Buckland points towards the Japanese concept of wabi-sabi, which describes finding beauty in the seemingly imperfect. Think of it as wonky but edible vegetables but on a grander scale.

“Notice when and where the pleasurable stress of a challenge ends and toxic stress begins. Take a look at your values and, and decide where you really want to place your effort in the time you have,” suggests Buckland.

“Do a deathbed exercise and list all the things you will regret never doing or being. Chances are that having a perfectly clean kitchen or an empty inbox isn't one of them. If you want to go deeper, consider what the pay-off is from all your perfectionism: so, is your pickiness when it comes to what shoes a perspective partner wears really an indication of your fear of relationship?”

Adopting not only a “to do” list but a “done” list can make a person 23 per cent more productive, according to psychologists at Harvard University.

The most important thing to know about perfectionism? “A little can be a good thing in the right circumstances.”