WHY ARE THEY FAMOUS?

Main Claim: Toe sucking. Fergie's 'financial adviser' was discovered caressing the royal digit with his tongue, thus providing the classic paparazzo shot of all time, and launching the catch phrase 'toe job'. At the centre of scandals involving bankruptcy and now royal revelations (see below), the toe job still looms large in the public mind at the mention of his name. A more feeble claim to fame is barely imaginable.

Bankruptcy Case: The bankrupt financial adviser as oxymoronic figure of fun is the subject of gleeful press reporting. Last Tuesday the 41- year-old Texan faced a bankruptcy petition brought against him by the sister of his former advisee. Bryan, whose German-based firm Oceonics Deutschland collapsed with debts even worse than Fergie's, has been declared bankrupt and a trustee appointed to pursue him across the world to recover debts. The red-headed spendthrift has recently faced an alleged pounds 3 million overdraft run up at Coutts.

The Curse of 'Hello!': Fergie's chief confidante, the infamous organ Hello!, is central to the bankruptcy case. Fergie's sister, Jane Luedecke, filed the petition after a tussle over the proceeds of her wedding snaps sold to the said glossy. The dispute allegedly involves Mrs Luedecke's share of the pounds 145,000 paid for the rights to photograph her second wedding at a Sydney restaurant. She claims that Bryan still owes her pounds 30,000. Since Hello! is highly accommodating to Fergie the model, philosopher, writer and global mother, this will distress all concerned.

Kiss and Tell: The beleaguered former HRH faced a fresh round of humiliation 24 hours after the bankruptcy declaration with the revelation of yet another royal tell-all. Dr Allan Starkie, pal and former business partner of the toe-sucker, has written a book, Fergie: Her Secret Life. It chronicles her marriage failure, debts and interest in pedicure. It's "explosive", says publisher Michael O'Mara. Meanwhile, Fergie was throwing a party.

Appearance: John Bryan is bald. Well, very bald. One of those interchangeable egg-headed Texans favoured by Fergie. Bald, bland, with few distinguishing features - rather like, er, a toe.

Bit Parts: The 'Texan Longhorn' is just one of the bit players - James 'The Cad' Hewitt; La Camilla; Will Carling - whose walk-on parts do so spice up the royal soap. Careers can rocket given the right, or wrong, connections with the principal players, viz Di lookee-likee Julia Carling. John Bryan was made and betrayed by his part as royal footman.

Flying Helicopters: Budgie, Fergie's inexplicable cartoon character with no charm whatsoever, has been the cause of yet more heated debate. Earlier in the year Bryan unsuccessfully attempted to get a cut from the Budgie marketing deal. We may conclude that his talents do not lie in financial advice.

Fame Prospects: Somewhat dubious given his one noted skill. But his side-kick Starkie's masterwork may surprise us all, and Bryan could always pose for a porn mag sucking a huge blow-up toe. Alternatively, he could befriend the Princess of Wales.