WhatsApp splinter groups breed anxiety and paranoia – just like being on The Traitors

We had to create a separate group,” my friend whispered to me over brunch one day, her voice fraught with fear like she’d just confessed to murdering the waiter. “We still exchange a few messages in the original one, just to make sure she doesn’t know. But obviously, we’re only really using the separate one properly.”

I didn’t understand. Hang on, so you have one WhatsApp group for your school friends and then another that doesn’t include one of the girls? “Shh!” she warned me, looking around surreptitiously. “It’s called a splinter group. And yes, that’s what we’ve done. Because none of us like this girl any more; she’s a nightmare. But we have to pretend she’s still part of the gang. You know how it is.”

Until that morning, I did not. This was a few years ago now, and I’ve since learnt that “splinter groups” are common practice among friends on WhatsApp. It’s no secret that the instant messaging app is a source of anxiety for many of us. Much has been said and written about how stressful it is to open your phone to an endless stream of messages and suddenly feel behind or left out in a conversation between friends in a group chat. Then there are the read receipts (the ability to see when someone has read your message and not replied), and the fact that you can see when someone starts and stops “typing...”, and so on.

But, as my friend’s story illustrates, there is another side to all this. Paranoia. What if your friends have created another group without you? Is that why they’ve stopped replying to your messages? Should you create a splinter group of your own? Could you ask to join theirs?

This psychological warfare is not dissimilar to what we see play out in the BBC’s hit reality TV show The Traitors, where contestants go up against one another for a cash prize of up to £120,000, with several secret “traitors” in their midst among the other unsuspecting “faithfuls”.

In the series, we often see contestants gathering together in one of the lounges at the Scottish castle where it’s set, whispering about one of their fellow competitors, then suddenly going quiet when someone they’re not sure of walks in. And the real It-crowd, or splinter group, is those select few cloak-wearing traitors, who meet in the bowels of the castle late at night.

The irony is that, while WhatsApp is probably the place where you fervently discuss The Traitors with your friends, it has also become that castle. Filled with faithfuls and traitors, who knows who’ll be booted out next? Or worse, what if you already have been and you just don’t know it yet?

“All the real action is in the splinter group,” says Mike*, 33. “There’s one member of our original one who several of us don’t really like and have harboured a grudge against for years, feeling that he ruins the otherwise perfect harmony. So we have a side chat, which is basically just devoted to taking the piss out of everything he says.” This, of course, brings with it its own unique breed of paranoia. “We all live in constant fear of accidentally forwarding one of his inane messages to the main chat,” adds Mike. “And also obviously, I am paranoid that some other faction has the same set-up about stuff I say.”

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“As humans, we are tribal beings by nature,” explains Noor Hibbert, a leading celebrity mindset coach and the Sunday Times bestselling author of You Only Live Once. “Our tribes, however, have now massively changed, and instead of hanging out like cavemen, we now have tribes that aren’t even in the same physical space, such as a WhatsApp group.” But our minds can’t distinguish between these social and physical spaces, which means that the way we respond to certain situations is often the same.

“When we are in a group of any sort, our primary directive is to remain safe and secure at a primitive level so we ‘belong’,” adds Hibbert. “Because of this innate desire, even the slightest sense of being rejected from the tribe can cause some people immense anxiety.”

Clara*, 29, who was in a group with 15 people she went to university with, can relate. “I found out that four of the girls had created their own separate group,” she recalls. “I thought I was close with them, so I asked if I could join their separate one as the chat on the main group had dried up over the years.” They jokingly responded by asking her to film a video clip “requesting” to join the group and outlining what she’d bring to it. “I did all that, thinking it was a bit of a piss-take. But then they didn’t let me in. I was humiliated.”

Some people will be more affected than others, and the way you react to being excluded, or indeed excluding others, in a group chat could run much deeper than you think. “It will happen to people that have experienced some sort of rejection as a child, and therefore this experience of not being answered in a WhatsApp group, or being left out, may trigger an old subconscious story that somehow we are not good enough,” explains Hibbert.

“When we feel this trigger, the sympathetic nervous system is activated, and therefore we are put into fight or flight mode. However, when there’s nothing to fight or flee from, we are then left in this limbo where we are experiencing the physiological reactions of fear in our body, and this is what I believe we call anxiety.”

Then there’s the pressure to be the “funny one” in some chats. “I’ve always really struggled with WhatsApp groups,” admits Louis*, 39. “They’re fun for a moment, but then the laughter stops and I find myself asking, ‘Why has my comment killed the conversation? Why is that person being frosty with me?’ I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve exited a group in a sulk, throwing an almighty hissy fit, only to message the group’s admin an hour later pleading to let me back in.”

Sometimes the consequences of not being hilarious enough are all too real. “I’m in one group whose participants are all supremely clever and witty; I sit in silence mainly, lurking, too afraid to contribute,” adds Louis. “Recently, that same group set up a splinter cell, with two people jettisoned in favour of a couple of new additions. My friend, one of the evictees, asked me why the group had gone cold, and I had to explain that another group had been forged. He looked crestfallen.”

With this in mind, perhaps it’s unsurprising that many of us have chosen to give up on WhatsApp groups altogether in 2024. If you were on social media over New Year’s Eve, you’d have seen the many, many “In” and “Out” lists people posted on Instagram that dictated what they’d be leaving behind in 2023 and bringing with them into 2024. One of the most common things cited on people’s “Out” lists? Yep, you guessed it: WhatsApp groups.

However, this won’t be the case for everyone. Clearly, some splinter groups are still thriving. Why is it that there is a sense of enjoyment in cultivating an environment predicated by exclusivity, often at the expense of others? Is it cruel? Or are we just protecting ourselves? “We all crave connection in order to feel a sense of approval and acceptance,” says counsellor Georgina Sturmer. “But some people also seek connection in order to meet other unmet needs.”

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Again, this can be traced back to childhood. “If someone is struggling with their own sense of confidence and self-esteem, then this can drive them to seek a different level in the social hierarchy.” When they were a child in the school playground, they might have done this by singling people out, whispering, and passing notes. “On WhatsApp, this would translate into someone setting up a secretive splinter group. It gives them a sense of being in control and being in charge in some way. This might indicate that they are feeling out of control or insecure in other areas of their life.”

So, what can be done to remedy all this if you find yourself staying up late into the night, anxiously wondering if everyone you’re in a group with secretly hates you? The first thing to do is stay grounded. “Remind yourself to come up for air and to keep one foot in the real world,” suggests Sturmer. “Yes, group chats allow us an opportunity to stay in touch with lots of people. But they can also be exhausting, frustrating, and leave us feeling stressed. Remind yourself to get out into the real world for a sense of connection.”

It can also be helpful to impose some boundaries on how much time you spend on your phone, as well as trying to actively challenge your negative thoughts. “Ask yourself: are they rational or irrational?” says Sturmer. “Do they belong in the present moment, with this specific set of people? Or are they linked to your own past, and previous challenges with friendships or relationships or trust?”

If group dynamics are too much, try to shift your focus to nurturing individual relationships. “Don’t forget to reach out to individual friends and keep those one-to-one relationships going,” she adds. “This is likely to offer you the reassurance that you need in order to avoid feeling excluded.”

And if, for whatever reason, you are in a splinter group, try not to let it slip. And whatever you do, don’t add anyone else into it without everyone’s consent. “The new splinter group I’m in is a scary place, I’ve been told,” adds Louis. “When someone tried to add a new person, they were immediately booted out because they hadn’t been properly vetted. A specific criteria of person is needed, we were reminded. I’m sure a new splinter group has already been forged.” He lets out a sigh. “I miss SMS.”

*different names have been used