‘They love the joy it brings’: Should parents give their children Valentine’s cards?

Valentine’s Day was like a popularity contest in my primary school. In the classroom, we had designated plastic trays to store our books and pencil cases, but on 14 February this tray would become Cupid’s postbox. Children would deliver anonymous cards to each other in the hope of securing a playground romance. It could be brutal, though. On Valentine’s Day morning, those with a secret admirer may score a shoddy hand-drawn card adorned in love hearts. Others may open their drawer to nothing.

Children often want to feel included on Valentine’s Day. How could they not? The heaps of marketing and heart-shaped memorabilia seen in shops come February is enough to make any child feel left out of the fun. Seemingly, parents want their children to be included in the day, too: according to a national poll of 2,024 adults on behalf of card shop Clintons, one in 20 UK adults have given a Valentine’s Day card to their child or their own parent.

The day has acquired new meaning over recent years. Once reserved for couples celebrating their undying love for one another, Valentine’s has been reimagined by single people into “Galentine’s Day” (observed by women and their BFFs as opposed to with a partner), as well as its gender-neutral equivalent, known as “Palentine’s Day”. To many, Valentine’s Day is no longer about celebrating your significant other – if you have one – but your relationship with just about anyone, whether platonic or familial. In some families, it’s now standard procedure to exchange Valentine’s Day cards between parents and children. Others may wince at the idea.

Cassie Brooks annually sends her eight-year-old son a Valentine’s Day card, and says he “loves” being included on the day. Brooks says she wants to show him that there are different kinds of love that you can express with the people in your life. “We have shown him that this holiday is about love and friendship,” she tells me. “The concept of romantic love plays no part in it for him. I want him comfortable knowing about [love] and celebrating [it] as he figures out what that word means for him as he grows up.”

Vanessa Gordon gives both her nine-year-old son and five-year-old daughter Valentine’s Day-themed gifts and cards. “And they each give a card to their dad for Valentine’s Day and pick out a gift,” she adds, explaining that her children enjoy taking part in making both from scratch. “They love to be involved with celebrating and the joy it brings.”

Experts agree, suggesting that children can experience a positive emotional boost from being included in Valentine’s Day activities. Anita Cleare, director of the Positive Parenting Project, thinks that it can be beneficial for the child. “All children need to feel loved,” she says. “When children feel loved, accepted and valued, this boosts their self-esteem and models to them what a healthy relationship feels like.”

Cleare says that Valentine’s Day is a great opportunity to show children positive models of love, but that – just as with adults – expressing it shouldn’t be limited to one day per year. “There are lots of ways that parents can show children that we love them, such as taking the time to chat or play with them, being affectionate, and telling them directly,” she says. “Hopefully, those things happen a lot more than once a year.”

Dr Lisa Turner, who is a trauma and emotional resilience expert, founder of CETfreedom, and author of CET Yourself Free, thinks that it’s a matter of choice for the parent, but danger sets in when a parent gives their child a Valentine’s Day card to “make up” for not receiving one from a peer. “Sometimes parents send their kids Valentine’s cards because they’re worried that if their child doesn’t get a card, their child will be upset,” she explains.

Turner says espousing shame around being cardless on Valentine’s Day essentially tells children that you need a significant other to feel loved. “From a therapeutic perspective, if you [suggest to] a child that if you’re not getting a card then something’s wrong with you, or you’re not loveable, that’s a pretty poor model,” she explains. “Some people decide to be single for chunks in their lives, or even their entire lives, and it’s okay to show children that’s okay, too.” Dr Turner adds that we lose an opportunity to teach children about “disappointment” and “rejection” if we give them pity cards after they open an empty tray.

As someone who remembers the playground minefield that was school Valentine’s Day, I’m inclined to agree with Dr Turner. I definitely felt a little wounded after not taking home a card, but the experience did end up leaving a valuable mark: there’s absolutely no shame in spending Valentine’s Day, or any day, single. That lesson should honestly be part of the curriculum.