I went through a messy divorce – how do I know if I’m ready to start dating?
A psychologist and dating expert talks through what you might be feeling – and how to tackle the dating world again.
Your support helps us to tell the story
From reproductive rights to climate change to Big Tech, The Independent is on the ground when the story is developing. Whether it's investigating the financials of Elon Musk's pro-Trump PAC or producing our latest documentary, 'The A Word', which shines a light on the American women fighting for reproductive rights, we know how important it is to parse out the facts from the messaging.
At such a critical moment in US history, we need reporters on the ground. Your donation allows us to keep sending journalists to speak to both sides of the story.
The Independent is trusted by Americans across the entire political spectrum. And unlike many other quality news outlets, we choose not to lock Americans out of our reporting and analysis with paywalls. We believe quality journalism should be available to everyone, paid for by those who can afford it.
Your support makes all the difference.A divorce or break-up from a long-term partner can feel like your life has completely blown apart; impacting your mental health, emotional health and often living and financial situation, too.
But eventually you might feel ready to meet someone new, or just want to have fun and explore dating again. So how do you know if you’re ready?
Dr Lalitaa Suglani, psychologist and eharmony relationship expert, says: “Firstly, a difficult divorce can mean something different to each of us, so it’s important to understand what aspects were particularly challenging for you.
“We all go through a grieving process where we experience a range of common emotions, such as denial, anger, shock, bargaining, depression, guilt, shame and acceptance. There is no particular order to these emotions, and you may find yourself revisiting them at different times.
“Usually when you get married, the intention is to spend the rest of your life together, so naturally, you may question your life choices from the past and future, bringing up uncertainty and doubt.”
How break-ups might make you feel about dating again
“The shattering of how you thought life would turn out versus the reality can also lead to questioning future choices, especially in entering new relationships, which is natural but does not mean you are not ready,” says Suglani.
“Naturally, you will be afraid of entering another relationship where you could potentially be left hurt. It is almost like you have touched a hot radiator and your mind now can associate the radiator to being burned and this can be applied to our relationships, hence why taking one step at a time can be helpful.”
Additionally, there may be feelings of loneliness, confusion, and even relief.
You might even experience a loss of identity, she says, especially if your identity was closely tied to your marital or couple status.
“It’s crucial to take the past relationship as wisdom to help navigate future relationships and to understand that healing is a personal journey. Seeking support from friends, family, or a therapist can be beneficial during this time, as can engaging in self-care activities and focusing on personal growth and rediscovery.”
When is too soon?
While some people may fear getting hurt again and avoid dating, others might want to jump back into a relationship quickly due to feelings of isolation and loneliness.
But there’s also a third approach, says Suglani: “Reflecting, taking one step at a time, and learning from past experiences.”
There is no perfect timing for when to start dating again, she says, but self-awareness and reflection are key.
“It’s important to trust yourself and recognise that it’s OK to change your mind along the way. If emotions come up, allow yourself to sit with the fear and anxiety, and try to understand what may be beneath these feelings.
“Taking the time to heal and understand yourself can help you enter future relationships with a clearer perspective and healthier mindset.”
Signs you could be ready
Everyone will go at their own pace, Suglani stresses.
“First, reflect on how you feel about your past relationship and whether you genuinely feel ready to move on and get to know someone else.
“Self-development plays a crucial role here, as continuous inner work can prepare you, but remember that some growth happens while dating. This interaction allows space for things to come up for you to reflect on.
“The most important feelings to look for are a sense of worthiness and a desire to be seen and loved by another. Trust may not come fully at first, and that’s OK – it will take time and can be part of the getting-to-know phase.”
Dating after divorce
When dating after a divorce, be open, curious, and reflective in your approach, Suglani suggests.
“Take the wisdom from your previous relationships and understand what is important to you in a partner. Share these insights with potential dates to ensure you’re on the same page. Embrace your authentic self and confidently share who you are.”
Make sure you’re focussing on the important stuff – building genuine connections, and prioritising compatibility and shared values.
“Dating with intention can lead to healthier, more fulfilling relationships in the future.”
She adds: If you have children, take your time – get to know your new partner well before introducing them to your kids, considering their ages and readiness.
“Lastly, it is important to prioritise self-care to continue your personal development journey and help you to understand your attachments and past patterns that you are breaking through.”