I’ve spent the summer having threesomes. This is what I’ve learnt

There are plentiful moments in movies where two women and a man hook up for a threesome. They’re often crass and exploitative, as well as inevitable, in a male-dominated Hollywood system – but to give them credit, they are at least depictions of something most of us crave. According to research by the Kinsey Institute’s Dr Justin Lehmiller, 87 per cent of women and 95 per cent of men have fantasised about sex with more than one partner.

In contrast, whenever two men and a woman are amorously connected in movies, they’re almost always framed in the safe and genteel confines of a “love triangle” (take French romantic drama Passages from 2023 or the Korean film Past Lives, about a married woman reconnecting with a childhood beau as recent examples). I missed the April release of Challengers – which teasingly marketed itself around a single moment: when the film’s tennis star protagonist (played by Zendaya) is kissed by two men on a bed. Instead, I spent the summer somewhat improbably having a snowballing series of actual sexual hookups with men and women at the same time. It left me wondering what the movies are so scared of.

Only a small part of me was looking for this kind of encounter at the start of summer, but things developed surprisingly rapidly. There’s absolutely no formula for a threesome, but using apps to make some like-minded friends and build a network of sex-positive people is a good start. Being open-minded and reasonably good at communicating desire goes a long way, as does being single: you’re more likely to be affectionately tapped up by the much-memed “couple-seeking-a-third”.

Despite being attracted to men, I tended to meet mostly “straight” heterosexual couples. In the world of sexual acronyms, this is sometimes contentiously expressed as an “MFM” – male, female, male – scenario. While sex shouldn’t be riddled with judgement, “MFM” always feels like a red flag to me: too many stories about insecure guys bashfully hiding at opposite ends, engaged in drearily monotone and unsensual sex or, god forbid, wanting to high-five mid-way through (it’s called Eiffel Towering, apparently, bro).

open image in gallery

As open relationships become more discussed, understood and taken up by couples, then the walls around different modes of sexual play have come crashing down, too. In my summer of MMF, I’ve had adventures with heterosexual couples who cohabit, parent and love each other just like most other “straight” couples.

While threesomes, foursomes and moresomes have been common in gay and queer lifestyles forever, there’s something quietly new and radical about the amount of MMF-friendly heterosexual men I’ve encountered in recent years. In many instances, they’re driven by an earnest desire to maximise her pleasure. They’re supporting women’s rights by, in some cases, literally supporting their partner’s bodies while they’re gleefully penetrated by other men. One guy I know enjoys the “hot wife” aspect of his married life. Such arrangements involve a partnered woman consensually having sexual encounters outside of a relationship. He loves hearing every last sordid detail the morning after his wife has been on a date. For him it’s not about power or cruelty or degradation: he just finds his wife really, really hot and likes to fantasise about her wherever possible, in a wide range of scenarios, sometimes involving other people.

It’s been overwhelming to meet so many men who defy the atavistic, alpha-male cliches around how a partnered man should act: ie, proud, possessive and growlingly jealous of a potential threat. While men who desire a tryst with their female partner and another woman are much more common on the dating scene, from my experience men who put themselves out there as “MMF friendly” have almost always done the talking, the thinking and other bits of accompanying “work” – making them unlikely to suddenly freak out, mid-orgy. Dare I say, I even recommend it for couples in an open relationship. I think it’s sometimes easier to get a handle on the whole thing by directly participating in watching your other half have sex with another person, instead of abstractly imagining it in your head for a lifetime. It’s certainly hotter.

Because the reality is there’s an incredible normality to it all that’s hard to convey until you’ve had group sex. The best way I can illustrate it is to think about how men frequently diffuse any awkward situation with humour. You can imagine how much of that energy comes out in situations involving erect penises. You don’t need to be a voyeur, or a pervert, or even slightly depraved to enjoy the sight of someone you’re attracted to having sex. As with a lot of sexual adventurism, part of what makes it so healthy is that you ultimately realise just how blithe and carefree your attitudes to sex really are. In the process, it also makes you realise how confident you really are, too.

After what was objectively an eventful summer, I finally sat down and watched Challengers last week. As I feared, despite heavily toying with the idea of MMF in the trailer and the marketing of the film, it was just another bashful Hollywood “love triangle” flick – this time involving jealous men waving their rackets about and bashing each other’s balls. What a waste. If only someone made a film about how many men are comfortable playing mixed doubles instead.